Ok, so writing a letter to someone or something that is not going to read it and won't respond is a modern comedic device that's getting kind of tired, McSweeney's does it very well, see a really funny one here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/55sitopen.html , but in this case, I feel one is warranted.
Dear band, The Invisibles:
I had to sit through you last night while I was waiting for my friend to DJ. You are pretty much a run-of-the-mill crappy 80's re-hash band. But you know what sets you apart? Your psuedo-Nazi uniforms. That is what truly elevates you to insufferable pieces of shit. It's true, the Nazis looked really cool, and what with it being the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, your timing's really good, but seeing you prancing around and doing the 80's dance while wearing all black military-esque clothing and matching red arm bands with a white circle and a black nonsense symbol inside that implies a swastika without being so uncool as to actually be a swastika (I know, I know, it sucks, swastikas were so cool until those lame-ass skinheads started wearing them. They ruined the fashion of it for everyone), well, seeing this just makes me want to do something really violent to you. And you know what? I'm not a violent person. Really I'm not. I've never hit anyone except my little sister when I was a moody teen and Dave Smith once after a Peep-Off, but he really, really had it coming. Nevertheless, seeing you rock this look made me want to give you a hard, jack-booted (what is a jack-boot, anyway? I'm not really sure but if the Nazis wore them they must have been cool) kick to the head. Fuck you. You suck.
Sincerely,
Heckasac
Speaking of Germans and yet way off the subject, I watched "Fear Eats the Soul" Wed. morning and thought it was brilliant! Better than "Magnificent Obsession" and "Far From Heaven". Highly recommended to all.
ReplyDeleteI have a movie recommendation as well:
ReplyDeleteBob and Carol and Ted and Alice, directed by Paul Mazursky
i thought it was super good, and even if you don't like the plot/acting, you'll love the clothes/houses.
-michele
I'm bored at work so I thought I'd share some of my discoveries. Now I have an even bigger crush on Alan Alda:
ReplyDeleteAlan Alda=Alphonse d'Abruzzo
Fred Astaire=Frederick Austerlitz
Lisa Bonet=Lisa Boney
Ralph Lauren=Ralph Lipschitz (this one is funny)
Raquel Welch=Jo Raquel Tejada
-michele
My mom would always make cracks about people with the name Lipschitz changing their name the Lipshultz. I always thought this was a Jewish name, but maybe it's German because somehow I can't believe that Ralph Lauren is a Jew. I have to research this because that would be amazing. He has single-handedly done the most of any modern man to celebrate the WASP lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteWell, that didn't take long. What did we do before nerds invented the internet? Oh yeah, worked. Man, that sucked, I'm glad that era's over. Anyway, it's true Ralph Lauren is a Jew. That rhymes.
ReplyDelete