Major Boner

I'd like to take this forum to pitch a sitcom idea I have about a regular Army, uptight, by-the-rules guy (named Major Boner of course) who adopts a sassy gay orphan. No, j.k., I titled this post that cuz somebody pulled a Major Boner on the indie list and I'm going to further stir this tempest in a teapot by re-printing it here (hey, whaddya want, I can't think of anything else to post!). This guy from Sexxeeexxeeeeexxxxeeeee Prison thought he was posting privately to his friend but he posted to the whole list instead! He pulled a (say it along with me now) Major Boner!

dude,

i gotta get back to work here pretty quick, but thought i'd respond to something in your last email...with regards to band draw, i don't think there's a single local band that can draw more than 30 people on a weeknight except for maybe hella. most do even shittier than that. i walked in to that inferno's show after band practice last night, about halfway into rock the light's set. as painful as watching even 10-15 minutes of them was, i did come to the conclusion that i can't believe much of anything i read on the indie list anymore (it's sad day in any young boys life when he learns that the indie list is human, too). despite the general love that bands seems to enjoy with people on the list, and i'm serious...there couldn't have been more than 20 people there. maybe on account of being their friends no one is brave enough to call it like it is and openly admit that they suck(You know what I call someone who is "brave" enough to tell their friends "you suck"? Someone without any friends!), i don't know (although danny's recent post praising them prettymuch destroyed any credibility he might have had in my opinion!).but i would have thought the turnout last night would have at least been 40-50 heads. the bananas/dissimilars/lyme regis show at the distillery a few weeks ago was pretty bad too...probably 50 people tops, and that was on a saturday! the loft punk scene is really on its last legs if those bands can't collectively pull 100+ people on a saturday.so in conclusion, bringing 35 people into on the y (which is DEAD most of the time, i'm sure) on a weeknight probably seemed pretty awesome to grant. i'm pretty sure he's going to lose his shit when a-frames come though, maybe we can use that to squeek in some fri/sat.shows in the future. i like that spot a lot, we should definately keep doing stuff there if we can justify doing a 21+ bill. ok, back to work...john

I know it's not fair to make fun of this because it was a private correspondence, but I can't resist just a couple of comments. Here's what he printed when he realized he had pulled a.....Major Boner!:

ps. I guess I can quit trying to convince myself Sexy Prison is worth > watching. (this was the end of Charles' rebuttal. He totally mispelled sexxxeexxxeeeexxxee. The Crest is so going down in the spelling bee)

charles, if anyone actually has to put effort into liking something,then their hearts obviously aren't in it...and that's totally ok! so are opinions. try not to hold mine against me even when i slather them with gross jerk sauce. i don't hate you or anyone else in rock thelight, just rock the light.

dear public: in the event that any of you are feeling left out(smiller?...wait...sorry guyz, that was just my obligatory "smiller"namedrop of the day) i have just as much contempt for rtl as i do forthe music played by gift of goats, the feeling, the bananas, the foureyes, knock knock, oh dark 30, pets, black dahlias, lyme regis,electric badness, compassion in action, brilliant red lights, butch vs.femme, the sores, eat the people, ski instructors, cowboy killers, jay and joel show, slammin b.o.d., scenes from the struggle, munia,carquinez straits, duchess of saigon, st. avalanche, th' losin' streaks, my whole hand was wet, living breathing music, sla, dead western, thee danny offer sensitive solo project, chad and kevin, hotel pistol, knightmares, and also gift of goats who get mentioned twice toemphasize how much i think they suck. not to mention, does my wholehand was wet even count as a band? pretty sure i left a bunch of othershit 2005 bands out, but that's because they all sucked too bad for meto even remember their names. hell, the ones i listed are lucky if i even spelled their names right. i have a laundry list of grievances with each and every one of you (especially the ones i haven't seen orheard before), which have up to this point been discussed only offlistand behind your backs. i will be settling this in the coming weekswith a series of leaked emails addressed to mark kaiser, so keep an eyeout for YOUR name in BOLD print. if i get lazy or forget, know this:it is my opinion that all of you suck and that i am the best...i am in fact, #1. actually, i'm not kidding about that either.charles pt 2, i'll see you face to face tonight, i can either buy you drinks all night (i will NOT hug you though!) or we'll just whip outsome chains and do it up on THA STRETE. your pick.jp

I don't really get this post. Maybe someone can explain the joke to me. And in conclusion, I would like to bravely step forward and, from the heart, in your best interest, tell you all bravely and with the utmost bravery that you suck. This is for your own good. It's time you know.