tips for handling stress

Sometimes my job involves a fair amount of stress. Today is one of those days. You're probably thinking, "heckasac, how do you handle all that stress?". Well, I'll share some of my work stress-handling strategies with you:

1) Distract yourself from the stress by worrying about physical ailments. Do you have any odd lumps on your body? If you look hard enough I bet you will find one. What about that mole that was itching a few weeks ago? It looks weird. It's probably cancerous. And do you feel that numb spot on your lip? It's probably going to break out into a cold sore and then everyone will laugh at you. See? I bet you just forgot about all the things pressing down on you to do at work.

2) Lash out at coworkers and/or act overly dramatic about your stress level. Cultivate a general stormy look and sigh alot. Or curse loudly when you hang up the phone after talking to someone who is making your life miserable. No one will care, and this leads me to tip 3

3) Constantly bombard yourself with negative thoughts. Why did you just snap at that undergrad? You suck. You're a bitch at work and your co-workers all hate you. An endless loop of thoughts like these will keep you from worrying about all the tasks you have yet to complete. And when the day is over and you finally get home...

4) Crack a beer. Immediately. If you are out of beer that Charles Shaw chardonnay that someone left at your house a long time ago will do in a pinch. Choke it down and try to forget. Fall asleep early and repeat the next day.