"Archbishop" "Dave" "Smith"

On the occasion of "Dave" "Smith" starting his new job as manager of T Theater I took the opportunity to interview him. Dave's accomplishments and adventures are many and I asked him about a few of them. He's had a few brushes with fame among them being the founder of the worlds first peep-eating contest (which is going on this weekend) (oops, now that I read what he wrote I see it's not the first but it is probably the longest-running and most famous) and being in No Kill I, a Star Trek band that was featured in Trekkies 2 (and which is light-years better than Warp 11, the town's other big (psuedo)Star Trek band. He also recently rode his motorcycle around the perimeter of some small country, or maybe the state of Delaware, big deal. Psyche! It was Australia. He has charmed many ladies throughout the U.S. and Canada including myself at one time but luckily nothing ever came of that. Wait, maybe I should cut that out. I'm not flirting I swear.

Where were you born?

Sacramento

How long have you lived in Sac? Where else have you lived? Any plans to move why or why not?

My whole life. I spent a year in Chicago after high school and I'vebeen on again/off again with SF and Oakland. There's not much to do in Sac, so I'd move to SF. After a while, I'd go crazy from The Thronging Masses and because I like owning old cars and bikes. So back to Sac, then go crazy because there's nothing much to do here.I almost moved to Athens, Georgia when I was 20 and I regret not doing that. I might move to the South somewhere at sometime. I used to talk about moving to Memphis with Tristan. Not permanently, just over a summer but we never did that.

Was I your favorite roommate ever?

Yes, you were. (aw shucks, ed., not not Ed Hunter, that stands for editor comment)It's still funny that you didn't notice that I was almost as embarrassed as you when I walked when while Charles was uhh... trimming your hedges.

Places you've worked in sac

Rectory for Jesuit priests; Taco Bell; Kinkos; Honeybaked Hams whereI'd slap hams; Sprint where I'd stuff bills and add Bazooka Joe comics(and porn ads to bills going to Utah); The State which I hated even though the pay was great -- so I quit; anthropology museum which I really liked; UC Davis monkey lab (fez division) which was a lot of fun; The'Net which is Good and Evil; car mechanic (I'm no good at that but it was neat); installing fiber optic cables; sanding wood for Tim White (man, that sounds dirty); and probably some others I can't think ofright now.

Best monkey masturbating story. Is is better than the story of the monkey that was in serious trouble because it had jacked off too much and the jizz crystallized inside its dick and blocked up its urinary tract?

There was one monkey who masturbated all the friggin' time. It's probably doing it right now. There's a bit more than 4,800 monkeys atUC Davis. None that I know of were euthanized for jizz crystallization, but I'm not Chief Monkey Euthanizer.UC Davis really tries not to kill monkeys which most people don't think is true. To put it in a money situation, monkeys cost a lot of money so they don't want to kill them. Plus, monkeys are neat and it would hurt a lot of employees if they tested monkeys by seeing how long they can live off only Marshmallow Peeps. I remember one monkey was euthanized because it got it's arm caught in a cage and the bloodflow was cut off. They were worried that if they cut off the arm that PETA would complain that we were cutting off monkey arms. So sadly,the monkey got croaked. Chalk up another one to PETA and bureaucrats that have no common sense.I'm not saying animal experimentation is always great, but even stuff like Band-Aids need to be tested on flesh. And monkey flesh is awfully close to human flesh. Only Soylent Green is people. Soylent Red is chimps.As an aside, humans have more hair than chimps. Only it's not as dark (unless you're Pot-o-Grease )

Do you hate davis as much as I do?

I hate Elk Grove more. People can't drive and they really show thatoff crossing the Yolo Causeway. Fuck-wads.

Favorite neighborhood in sac and what neighborhoods you have lived in. What houses and roommates if you care to reminisce. I know I spelled it wrong.

I like the Southside Park area where I lived at 6th and T (the southside's the best you can all take the rest-ed.). Hmmm....I've liked most places I've lived at in The Grid. 20th and I was fun. 16th and P wasn't so great but I learned that I don't like living alone.The porch I have now is one of the best porches in Midtown. It's at 19th and Capitol. This used to be a much better area, but the new restaurants are slowly destroying the neighborhood. Gentrification.Blah, blah, gentri-blah.

favorite sac bar and/or restaurant

The Flame Club when it was a dive before it became a hipster bar. Lil Joes before they remodeled. Capitol Park Cafe is pretty good. I like dives. I've heard of a secret dive bar that I want to try, but I ain't saying where it is. Damn kids destroying the beauty of the Flame. (the flame has always been a dump and it will always be a dump-ed.)

bands you've been in?

Doppler Affect, Octogod, No Kill I, Milhouse, Thrillhouse, and random Loft Halloween bands. Is that it? (that's all? ed.)

tell me a story about charles. In other words, talk about charles

Charles told me he was going to walk from Sacramento to San Francisco. I should ditch work for a few days and walk down there with him.Only he's too chicken to do it and I'm too out of shape to do it.

remember the time no kill I set off fireworks in the press club? That was scary I thought we were all going to die.

Yes. I always thought I'd die before 30 which led to me doing a bunch of crazy things. I've got an older cousin with MS who is trapped in a wheelchair. My fambly has some brains in it and I grew up bothered that I'm okay and she's not. Stephen Hawking had an illness but he had some "normal" time. She never had a chance and I wish I could share my memories with hers. I've had dreams where one day she's fine and she wants to re-live my life when I was in my 20s and it's hard to keep up. I've already done that once which was plenty. Doing it again seems forced but I do anyway. Anyway, that's way more info than anyone needed to know.I think any time left after 30 is the Bonus Round. I'm 36 and I'm not that good at video games, so I expect to die at any time. It casts an unusual zen-like perspective on life. It's funny when I talk to people that assume that Life Doesn't Change and I'm supposed to "Be"like how I was in the 1990s.At some point in the next few hours or weeks, I'll be digging mygrandfather's grave at the fambly graveyard in the Appalachians. Sorry if I'm a little morose. Now's a good time to talk about Peeps

when was the first peep off? How did you get the idea? Good peep off story? Remember how one year after the peep off I tried to fight you?

The first Peep Off was in uh.. I don't know. 1998, maybe. That's my guess. One day at The 'Net Lurch was seeing how many Peeps he could fit into his mouth. Fairly early days of the internet so I looked up Peeps (back when hotbot.com was the google of the day). I heard about a Peep Off that Jack Eidsness does that said, "Ask if you have anyquestions". So I asked. Jack told me, "You're doing the Peep Off in Sacramento". So I do

What is the secret to your success with women?

My "success" ended with having my heart ripped out by a red-headed girl. I think she's the same girl that toys with Charlie Brown. You'll have to ask Mike R Mike for her name. I've posted ads on the internet trying to find some girl dumb enough to ride a motorcycle across other continents. Just like any other Internet loser, there walks me. That's a lost cause so I'm letting those expire

Anything interesting happen to you as a result of being in trekkies 2? Ever get recognized, fan letters, etc? Your fave thing about being in that movie?

I've never been recognized in person from Trekkies 2. I've been recognized a few times from people who say, "Aren't you the idiot riding an old kid's bike around the world". Yes I am, and I'm proud of the 1965 Ducati 250cc -- it's a tiny Eye-talian bike.I get emails from Trekkies 2 fans sometimes. My favorite was from aguy who wanted advice on decorating his apartment like mine. He really liked all the random crap on my walls. Since I assume 99% ofyour readers haven't seen or heard of Trekkies 2, my walls were covered with random stuff I'd find outside. Usually notes from crazy people. I love crazy people notes.My favorite thing about the movie was ditching out on Denise "TashaYar" Crosby to drink beers in the van, and that the sound guys also did "Bubba Ho-tep"which is one of my all-time favorite movies. If I like it, that means Heckasac doesn't (he's right, I walked out on that one-ed.). Oh, and Roger Nygaaaaard squishing my hand when I shaked hands with him. He does that to everyone -- guy and girl.

what's up with your goth roommate? I heard she's weird? Does your other roommate ever talk about anything but bikes?

I only live with GG (Goth Girl). She's weird, but hey, aren't all goths? I used to live with Skipper who's a great roommate. He got accepted to grad school at the last minute so there wasn't much hope for a roommate. First problem, they have to be willing to live with me. That'd be an expectation that I'm crazy 100% of the time -- when I read most of the time. Try explaining that on the roommate search on craigslist.The Bike Messenger moved upstairs with some chick. I might need a new roommate soon. Any interest anyone? All the popcorn you can eat!>

your favorite sacramento band ever and/or now and favorite or memorable show

Tales of Terror probably. I'm no good with "favorites" (this is a dumb question and I need to stop asking it-ed.). One of my favorite shows was No Kill I playing with the Registrators (from Japan) at the Loft. They are my favorite band I've ever played a show with. They were staying at the hotel behind Club 400 (strip clubthat later became the Blue Lamp for you non-Sacto folks). I spent the night hanging out in the hotel parking lot talking with the Registrators (who got bored and went back inside) and some speed freak carnies working the mall. It pissed off Dawna D, my girlfriend at the time, that I wouldn't come inside or leave -- I wanted to hear crazy carnie stories.If I remember correctly: DOA, Tales of Terror, Circle Jerks and maybe the Authorities or Hot Spit Dancers played at one show at the Crest. I'm guessing I'm adding a couple shows into one magical show. Maybe it was Social Distortion when they were still supporting Mommys Little Monster. That was back when all those bands were still great,exciting and new. Circle Jerks were doing the tour for the"Wonderful" LP but it wasn't out yet. They came out in monk robes. The live songs were great but didn't translate well to the LP.

why are you banned from old i?

No Kill I made them a lot of money without ever getting paid by themand I asked for our money. Not much. Just a couple hundred bucks. Itwas a series of really funny phone calls that I wish I taped. I was told by Kim that she was working out something with the sound guy. I chipped a mic with my witty rejoinders and we paid for a replacement without getting the old mic back. Basically, I'm banned for having a big mouth. That was pretty bad when I was in my 20s. Kim was happy after the show until people told her what Iwas saying. I've heard that if you google "Kim Kanelos" you get "My name is Kim Kanelos and I'm a big fat fucking cunt" on a nokilli.comsite. I should try that and let you know. Hold on... No, that'snot quite true. I'll let people google it to see what shows.I'm surprised I don't show up when you google "big fat fucking bastard".

Dave thought it wouldn't be prudent to give out any corporate secrets such as the ingredients of superkist 2 or who is the worst employee at T theater, so that's it. Thanks Dave!!