Friday, October 12, 2007


What is this? Is it an ad? It's certainly not a review. I guess it's an article informing you about the existence of the I Love Teriyaki chain. Thanks sacbee.

Can someone read Heyamoto's column from yesterday and explain the Steve Cohn item to me? Also, can someone attempt to construct a sentence more awkward than "Good thing Austria hadn't come calling"? A prize to anyone who does.


Anonymous said...

The genius of Ms. Heyamoto can be found in the structure of her three-dot column items. Each serves as a setup for the punch line, a pithy one-liner at the end of each graf that illuminates the words that preceded it and, most typically, provokes side-splitting laughter. In this case, it is the mention of the word "Austria," which is kinda like telling a long joke and then saying, "They're called 'The Aristocrats.'"

At least that's how I figure it.

Coming up for air in waka-jawaka samsara

heyamoto's translator said...

Steve Cohn received a request to give a speech at a global warming conference in Montreal. He wasn’t sure at first why they asked him, when the more obvious choice would be the Governor. Then Cohn realized that the speech had to be given in French, which he speaks fluently, unlike Arnold. Mr. Cohn offered to send his PowerPoint presentation for the conference to Ms. Heyamoto, but, as it is in French, he was not sure if she could read it. If it had been a conference in Austria, then Mr. Cohn would not have been a better choice than the Governor.

beckler said...

well, if that much explanation has to go into a joke...but thanks anyway

Anonymous said...

...In many cases a tobacco shop is located in a busy central area of a city so it's not uncommon for a customer to call first & make sure a certain type of tobacco is in stock. In fact the clerks who work at these shops field many such calls every day. Therefore it does not seem out of the ordinary when a customer calls one day asking if they carry Prince Albert in a can - however - when the particular caller - after receiving an affirmative answer - follows up with "well you'd better let him out!", laughs heartily, and hangs up - it becomes apparent that the Prince Albert in question was not in fact the tobacco but the actual person Prince Albert who, one would assume, would not like being in a can & therefore should be released immediately if not sooner...


beckler said...

lol cats bible!

Stephen Glass said...

Ooh -- I'll go 300 miles for the chain-restaurant teriyaki, but I'll stay for the knitting supplies and available Maytag appliances. That was vital information to include high up in that, er, review.

Anonymous said...

Mmm. Chain-restaurant teriyaki!


Anonymous said...

Teriyaki consists of fish or meat broiled or grilled with a soy sauce, sake and sugar marinade.

Thanks, Bee! I did not know that!


beckler said...

...meat consists of the muscle tissue of an animal, or in certain dire situations, a human.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that was my first Heyamoto. It made my day. I was in the perfect mood to spend a few minutes steeped in her blithe mediocrity. I'll be certain to go back for more.
I don't know what it is that makes her brand of bad writing so much more enjoyable than Ms. Nix's.

Example: "Move over, Virginia.

Elk Grove is for lovers. Lovers of teriyaki, that is."

I read that and I just get this irrational urge to launch some sort of generalized campaign to impugn everything that is sacred. Maybe that makes no sense, but I did say it was irrational.


Anonymous said...

Alternative translation:
Last week Steve Cohn was asked to speak at a conference on global warming in Montreal. This was certainly an honor, to be asked to speak at such a conference! Steve loves Montreal, or maybe just free trips to Montreal, or maybe he loves speaking at conferences, or he loves being honored—in any case, he wasn't going to turn it down.

But then he experienced anxiety. Arnold is much more famous than I am, he thought—why are they asking me, not him, to speak at a conference on global warming in Montreal?

Then he learned that the presentation was to be in French. He speaks French—fluently!—and Arnold doesn't. So that explains why he was asked and Arnold wasn't. Probably the organizers of the conference had a database of which California politicians know French, and he is the only one. Or maybe they considered just him and Arnold for the gig, since Arnold is famous and everyone else is not, and since Arnold doesn't speak French, Steve won out.

Steve pointed out that like Arnold, but unlike him, Lisa doesn't speak French. If she did, she'd probably really want to read the PowerPoint that he made for the talk. It would prove that he's really going to the conference, and Arnold is not.

It's a good thing Austria hadn't come calling, because then Arnold would get to go, and Steve would have to stay home. Also, Arnold would have asked Lisa if she wanted to read his PowerPoint, but she doesn't read German, so she wouldn't be able to.

Anonymous said...

which knitting shop is down there? (totally serious question from a knitter) Jana.