Friday, April 29, 2005

Who knows Heckasac best?

I'm having a little contest to see if you can guess which CL missed connection or rants and raves that I posted today. If you win, I will give you an autographed copy of my blog. That's right, I will come to your home or business or home-based business and write my name across your computer screen.

intelligent discussion

My blog is getting so many hits from people searching for "whalfin" that it's ridiculous. There is a real hunger for reliable whalfin information on the net. I want to see a picture but I don't think there is one anywhere.

Inspiration's not really striking me today. If anyone wants to get into an intelligent discussion for a friday, Scott pointed this CL idiocy out to me. Speaking of idiots, the conversation I overheard at Nishiki yesterday really shook my faith in humantiy. I was waiting for Grace in the front area for a few minutes. First, I took in the general ever-present sexism typical of the sushi places where hotties congregate (sexist or sexy? what's the difference). There was the teenage hostess who was hobbling around on high heels that were obviously killing her and who was so encumbered by constricting clothing and hair artfully arranged over one of her eyes that she could barely move at all and obviously couldn't really see where she was going. There were the ruddy-faced rich dudes with paunches and ugly Polo shirts trying to impress the schmoozy maitre'd with their stories of hundreds spent on front row tickets to sports events. But the worst convo came after we were seated next to two real-estate dudes. Here are two choice quotes:

"You know, she's really perfect. Thick blond hair, full lips, hourglass figure, but she has the I.Q. of Snoopy. Not that that really matters, but it might be embarassing because everyone in my family has gone to college".


Dude 1: Have you seen any of those Lord of the Rings movies?
Dude 2: Nah, not interested, if there's no real-estate angle in it, I couldn't care less.

Wow, what an interesting guy. He must be a lot of fun at parties. But he's really limiting himself as far as the selection of movies he might want to see. The only movie I can think of with a real-estate angle off the top of my head is "Glengarry Glen Ross". I guess "Chinatown" kinda has a real-estate angle, too. Well, those are both really good movies, so maybe he's onto something here.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Fiery Furnace fun

I know you're all waiting for me to review the Fiery Furnaces show. How are you supposed to know how you felt about it until I tell you how I felt about it? I give this show six glands up (which glands, though?). I frontloaded at Mike Banana's birthday gala, so my glands were already pretty well lubricated before I got to Harlows. OK, no more gland jokes, but it's such a funny word! Harlow's was OK. Not as fancy as I expected, but I guess the real fanciness happens upstairs. I ordered champagne and it was good. I didn't pay much attention to the first band. One of the songs started out with a Fleetwood Mac style part and I got excited but then the guy started singing and he sounded nothing like Stevie Nicks so I tuned out again.

Before the show there was a lot of discussion about whether they would play a continuous medley the way they usually do. Everyone was fervently hoping that they would not. This is a real drag. There is a certain amount of driving, nervous engergy creating by the medley thing, but it is still irritating and allows for zero audience interaction. We couldn't get a chant in edgewise. I saw the highly theatrical drummer (you have to see it, it's hard to describe) circulating in the audience beforehand. He was limping and I later heard that he had sprained his ankle playing soccer in Sac. Apparently the whole band had been hanging out in Sac for a day or more without anyone spotting them. I wish I had run into them. I'm sure we would have ended up being best friends. I wore my gold Star of David so that the light would glint off of it while the F.F.s were playing and then me and the Friedburger brother would lock eyes and the rest would be history...but that didn't happen. Eleanor was also watching the opening act for a bit. She was dressed very Billyburg hipster, with brown cowboy boots outside the tighttight pants, and a truly hideous relic of the eighties that was made of leather and that I hesitate to call a "jacket". (addendum-of course she's still insanely foxy.)

As the Fiery Furnaces were tuning up and getting ready (except for Eleanor who always makes a dramatic entrance after the music has started) D.P. spotted their Kaoss pad and started chanting "Kaoss pad" (of course). Matt congratulated him for spotting it. Then the funniest thing ever happened. For you to understand how funny it was you have to know Mike C. and you have to know how standoffish and humorless the Fiery Furnaces can seem. Mike C. came up to me and some other people and said that he had run into Matt in the bathroom, and that he had said that they wouldn't play a medley if we all chanted "no more medleys". He didn't say it that loud, and the band was tuning, so I wouldn't have guessed in a million years that they could hear us up on the stage. But, quick as lightning, Matt shot back, "I never said that". Did that come off funny? No? Well what if one of my glands was narrating it, would that be funnier?

God, I have been writing this for like an hour because I keep getting interrupted and having to pretend I'm actually doing something, so now I'm tiring of the whole sordid affair. Suffice to say, the Fiery Furnaces were stupendous, spectacular, and awe-inspiring. They could have medleyed for a million years and I wouldn't have cared. They did throw us a non-medley bone at the end and just Matt and Eleanor played a few songs, some of them new, and they sounded great. One of my favorite shows ever. I got the set list at the end and it's crazy. There are at least 25 songs on it and it has stuff like "blueberry boat-verse 1 and 2" and then 8 songs later "blueberry boat-verse 3 and 4".

Vibes are real!

Did anyone watch LCD on Letterman? I was falling asleep so I watched the rest of the current Bergman movie I am battling instead. "Hour of the Wolf" is sooo creepy, yet murky and pretentious. I heard that a tape of the LCD set will be playing in Club Vince on continuous rotation anyway, so I will try to catch it later.

Out Hud got a very nice review in Pitchfork. I like the picture and I like Phyllis' quote, "we're from California, so we totally believe in vibes". You mean there are other states where people don't believe in vibes? But they believe in chakras, right? Everyone knows that chakras are real. Out Hud is supposed to play in Sac at Old I on June 5th (I think). They are playing with Tussle, who, if I remember correctly, suck it.

Been caught shreddin'

I'm back, and my glands are swelling with happiness. Heckasac, by way of a quote attributed to the mysterious "Ghengis Conway" has made it into the pages of the local alternative rag, the News and Review. The headline is something about Alec being the new Farrell. Not Perry Farell, unfortunately. C.K. + the Knightmares=true love

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I can't stop posting

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Holy Crap! Allan has added a load of pictures to his website including this one that shows he has fallen prey to the booby-shirt trend that is all over the malls right now. This photo archive will bring a tear to your eye. There are pictures of nic wearing a diaper and the Homsi in a compromising position with a mystery lady.

It's at

This shit is bananas!

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Today is Mike Banana's eleventieth birthday. Of course Mike probably won't know I posted this because he is scared of computers. It's because of this one time when he broke the internet. Look, I'm making fun of him on his birthday! I'm a spicy jerk. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!!!!!!

As I mentioned many times, tonight is the Fiery Furnaces show. I have talked a few of my doubtful friends into going and they may feel that they have wasted their $12.50 tomorrow. Just be prepared for medleys and humorlessness. D.P. has threatened to chant things at them, and I don't think they're gonna think that's funny. But I love them, nonetheless.

I feel a (cough) sickness (cough) coming on. I think one of my glands may be swollen. I'll give a shiny nickel to the reader who can guess which gland (hint-it's not my pineal gland). So if I don't post tomorrow, try to be brave. I'll be back thursday to review the show and other stupid crap.

Whalfins are real

This morning I was listening to the KDVS science show that's on tuesday mornings (which is really good) and they were talking about a whalfin. I had this memory of seeing a creature called a whalfin at a seapark in Hawaii when I was a young teen and no one ever believed me, but it's true! So there, all you doubters! A killer whale is actually in the porpoise family (or genus?), so it can have a baby with a dolphin. They were saying that this whalfin was in the movie "50 first dates", which I hopefully will never see unless I am forced to watch it on an airplane.

Today Diana Griego Erwin has a column about that local businessman who was beaten to death after a King's game. She talks to people who think the other guy who ran away is a coward. I don't know what to think. Those guys were probably bigger and running away was probably the smart thing to do, but then again I don't know if I'd leave my friend to fight alone. I probably would stay (I'm just saying that to reassure my friends who are reading this). This whole thing started over a traffic dispute, and you may remember that when I went to that Kings game recently I was amazed at the lawlessness of the parking lot after the game. Not that that's directly the cause of this altercation, but I bet there are all kinds of accidents and road rage incidents after games. Somebody needs to make some improvements in signage and security. But not that Maloofs. They're tapped out after actually making a payment on their loan from the city.

The locally produced NPR programs have been talking incessantly about the housing market in Sac and how fucked it is. I was getting sad again about how I'll never ever ever never buy a house and then I was cheered up when I was thinking about all the millions who live in New York and how none of them can ever afford to buy. Families, everybody, just rents forever and that's the norm. There's all this pressure here from constant media bombardment about how if you don't buy a house RIGHT NOW you'll be living in a cardboard shack in a few years and you are always hearing anecdotal stories about this or that person that bought in at the exact right time and made a million bucks. I will just have to find some other way to get ahead financially, because as long as I want to live in Sac (which I do) I can fuhgeddabouttit. Maybe I can make potpourri at home to sell. Or breed long-haired weinerdogs.

Monday, April 25, 2005

More craigslist hilarity

God. Lorena is such a bitch.


Finally, I got a missed connection. When you read it, you have to agree that I come to mind. Sometimes I do wear pants that are kinda tight. And I do walk around downtown. I'd never be caught dead in Java City but he probably saw me at Peet's, or walking around near Java City and got confused. In fact, the other day at Peet's I did see a guy of average height and build with a ball cap, and I totally bet it was him! I'm sure we can figure out what to do with all that money he has laying around.

This one is sad. Should this person really leave such an important decision up to the Craigslist missed connection. I mean, if I answered, "I THINK IT'S BETTER TO TRUST NOBODY AND LIVE LONLYNESS" would he listen or would he just get fooled by phoniness?

And this one should surely be filed under the "delusional" subcategory missed connections. Nastay!!

Homoerotic weekend

I know you're looking to me to brighten up your dreary monday, but guess what? I'm having my own dreary monday around here and I didn't do jack shit this weekend to write about. But thanks for asking. Are there any parties coming up? Doesn't anyone in this town throw parties anymore? Just a few months ago there was a great streak of parties and I loved it. I did go to a going-away party for Allen, Sarah, and Lola. It was very mellow but nice to get to say goodbye. I drank five Pabsts in quick succession and wanted it to be a dance party really bad but it just wasn't gonna happen. Alice was my only ally in this quest, but the mood was wrong for dancing.

At least there's some cool crap coming up this week. The Fiery Furnaces are tomorrow. LCD Soundsystem is on the Letterman show on Wednesday. I just checked the undie list and it seems that Six Organs of Admittance is playing a house show on saturday. Isn't this guy supposed to be good? There was some funny discussion on the undie list of where the TAHTUL ETTERNUHTEE FHEHSTT house is. The Bee had a little blurb about the Fool's Foundry in a short feature on all ages venues. I was surprised to see the Bee was so up on things. And Rachel Leibrock didn't write it, either.

I'd say the highlight of my weekend was the homoerotic wrestling scene in the Ken Russell movie "Women in Love". This movie is ridiculously pretentious and makes no sense at all, but I loved it. Ken Russell movies are so insane. This made me want to read the D.H. Lawrence book that the movie is supposedly based on. Why hasn't anyone ever told me how fine Oliver Reed is? Were you all hiding this secret from me? Maybe I'm alone on this. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to ever have been in any good movies. I guess he was just mostly known for his drinking and fighting. He was seriously injured during the making of the Three Musketeers when he got stabbed in the neck. Apparently when he was filming "Gladiator" he died of a heart attack in a bar after getting wasted and arm wrestling.

The lowlight of my weekend came when I was out at my family's home in Lincoln (which they just sold, goodbye childhood home) and I stepped on something squishy and looked down to find out that I had just stepped on a dead mole. I still have the heeby jeebies when I think about it. I can't help but feel that the rodents are getting their revenge on me. But I work with voles, not moles! They're different!

Friday, April 22, 2005

gratuitous diamond dave photo

Do you like to look at photos of hipsters? If yes, here is a dumb link for you: This can be kind of weird to look at at work, because the photos are giant and many of the girls are scantily clad. This site will make you want to kill yourself, especially if you have any clothes that even slightly resemble what these people are wearing (and if you own any thin t-shirts from the eighties then you do). Same with haircuts. Here's a girl making the patented hipster photo face.
Thinking about the patented hipster photo face made me want to say "not to be confused with the David Lee Roth photo face", which led me to his website which is instantly amazing.

I hear a rumor that a chanting party (to record the album) may be in the works. Stay tuned.

Mike said beaver pelt

The comments bring to mind a question. What's your favorite Sacto chant? Mine is "get on the ground and roll around". It's fun to say and it rhymes.

So on with the Knock Knock show. There was some friendly rivalry going on between the bands. Mike claimed that they were more old school than the Knightmares and bragged that he had made his guitar out of a beaver pelt and carved the amp out of a stump. At one point, under the guise of asking about the levels, he asked if we could hear his guitar and when there was a murmured assent he said, "sounds good, doesn't it?". Knock Knock had to borrow a cord from Joel and there was some talk about the relative cord lengths of Joel and Heckamax. Heckamax said everyone knows he's got a really long cord. I yelled "I heard it's retractable". I like this forum cuz I can repeat my jokes for a larger audience. Everyone knows it's the girth of the cord that matters anyway. I just grossed myself out. No more dick jokes for the rest of the day, I promise! Maxwell told an anecdote about their friend that babysat for Jonathan Richman and how one day when she was there Bruce Springsteen called for Jonathan. That is an awesome story. Knock Knock finished out their set and left everyone begging for more. Chants of 'encore' quickly turned to "bullshit" when the band was wavering on what to play. Sac crowds can turn ugly in an instant like that. I blame it on the rampant steroid use. But we have to get big so we can shred harder. And longer. That's not a dick joke.

During this show I also got to meet Christian Kiefer and saw Cary Rodda talking to Jer Per. All the music moguls were in the house.

Oh yeah, and there was this guy who Tess nicknamed "business casual" who kept crowding me. Far be it from me to mock a guy that hits on me, they're few and far between, God bless 'em, but if a girl keeps moving away from you when you move closer until she is first standing close to the wall, then pressed against the wall, then desperately hugs the wall all to avoid your relentless advances and intent stares, then leave her alone! He did offer up some scintillating conversation such as, "this band reminds me of Seattle" and "it's like a comedy show and a concert all in one" (these comments were both about Knock Knock, by the way).

Johnny clued me in the the Hasidic Rapper. That is one handsome Hasid. I was thinking about that record I have of the Jewish rapper "A to the D" and it occurred to me that it would be better if his name was "G to the D" because of how Jews aren't supposed to spell out the word G-d

holy shit! reviewin' it!

Full disclosure about the show: I got stoned before so all of it seemed a little weird. In fact I got so stoned that I was going around telling people "I'm stoned". Such an idiot! I missed Pets but I did get to catch the Knightmares. This is one goodlooking band. I was at my most stoned when they were playing and I remember thinking, I shit you not, "the universe is unfolding in front of me". So I guess I must have liked them. God I should keep this shit to myself but I think it's kinda funny. They continually berated the audience for being trust fund punks that spend mommy and daddy's money at college. I happen to know that their drummer has a sizable trust fund, and you know what they say about the size of a guy's trust fund... it's correlated to the size of his dick! (but is it a negative or a positive correlation? That's a just a little statistics joke) Joel and Alec both have such great voices. Sorry my observations here are vague. All of their songs are very different, so I couldn't really get a handle on their sound. But it sounded good.

I wandered around a bit and then it was time for Knock Knock to play. The air was buzzing with excitement. Even their sound check sounded amazing. The room seemed packed, I would estimate the crowd at 100? (clearly a scene "on it's last legs"). They kicked into their first song (I don't know any of the titles, unfortunately) and they quickly began to rock the place. Hard. Most bands I know aren't too stoked to play at Old I because they don't pay you much and they charge too much at the door and they ONLY GIVE YOU ONE FREE PITCHER OF BEER (pathetic), but I like going there because the sound is the best of any club in sac. You can hear your favorite bands the way they should sound. Heckamax's bass sounded so...muscular. Like his bod. I'm not hitting on Maxwell, I have just been wanting to use the word bod for a while. It's a great word. And as a side note about Old I's beer, what the fuck is wrong with it? I got an Anchor Steam on tap and it was so fucking sour I was gagging. Anchor Steam is a delicious beer, and not usually sour. Clean your taps. Please. Back to the show. The chanting started early. I can't remember the first chant, but one of the chants was "twins, twins, twins" to honor the twins birthday. That reminds me, Charles has been talking about putting out a recording of Sacramento's classic chants. Of course that would include "talk about charles" and such oldies but goodies as "get on the ground and roll around" and "can you sport it, holy shit sportin' it". He should probably include "can you feel it intensify", too.

Shit! I gotta go cut a brain. I'll be back later.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

knightmare knock knock

The big show is tonight and finally I get to see the Knightmares. Also, Pets and Knock Knock at Old I. Starting at 9:00. Six bucks.

For fans of Ali G, the good news is that there's going to be a Borat movie!!!! The first director quit but another guy is taking over. Here's why, "Todd Phillips (OLD SCHOOL) was working with Cohen to direct the film on the sly - keeping potential victims of Borat's schemes unsuspecting - but the two had frequent creative clashes and after an ugly incident at a rodeo, where the Borat character mangled the "Star Spangled Banner" and the locals nearly reached a riot, Phillips left the production."

If you've seen the insanity of Borat singing the fake Kazakhstan anthem at a small town baseball game you will not be surprised that he almost incited a riot.

Does anyone need evidence that Harmony Korine is dumb? Probably not, but if so, I would like to offer the fact that he cites the Werner Herzog movie "even dwarves started small" as his favorite movie. Two hours of little people giggling maniacally. Punishing. My favorite part was the director commentary that I listened to about 15 minutes of. For some reason Herzog is being interviewed by Crispin Glover. I love hearing Herzog pontificate (wow there's a sentence). He makes the ridiculous statement that it's not an exploitation film but that it's a film exploring the frightening nightmare of being a "midget" (his word). Well, sure it seems like a nightmare when you have them pretend to be insane and cavort around cackling and setting things on fire. To add insult to injury, one little person was hit by a car and another was set on fire during the filming. Herzog compensated for this by jumping into a cactus patch at the end of the filming. Another unpleasant thing is watching a chicken eat another chicken. Herzog says he's also terrified of chickens because of their overwhelming stupidity.

dumb link

Wow. And to think that my nights of extreme drunkeness in my youth just used to end with questionable hookups. I feel so old-fashioned.

I hate to just link two things that I stole from gawker, but this one is really funny too.

Major Boner

I'd like to take this forum to pitch a sitcom idea I have about a regular Army, uptight, by-the-rules guy (named Major Boner of course) who adopts a sassy gay orphan. No, j.k., I titled this post that cuz somebody pulled a Major Boner on the indie list and I'm going to further stir this tempest in a teapot by re-printing it here (hey, whaddya want, I can't think of anything else to post!). This guy from Sexxeeexxeeeeexxxxeeeee Prison thought he was posting privately to his friend but he posted to the whole list instead! He pulled a (say it along with me now) Major Boner!


i gotta get back to work here pretty quick, but thought i'd respond to something in your last email...with regards to band draw, i don't think there's a single local band that can draw more than 30 people on a weeknight except for maybe hella. most do even shittier than that. i walked in to that inferno's show after band practice last night, about halfway into rock the light's set. as painful as watching even 10-15 minutes of them was, i did come to the conclusion that i can't believe much of anything i read on the indie list anymore (it's sad day in any young boys life when he learns that the indie list is human, too). despite the general love that bands seems to enjoy with people on the list, and i'm serious...there couldn't have been more than 20 people there. maybe on account of being their friends no one is brave enough to call it like it is and openly admit that they suck(You know what I call someone who is "brave" enough to tell their friends "you suck"? Someone without any friends!), i don't know (although danny's recent post praising them prettymuch destroyed any credibility he might have had in my opinion!).but i would have thought the turnout last night would have at least been 40-50 heads. the bananas/dissimilars/lyme regis show at the distillery a few weeks ago was pretty bad too...probably 50 people tops, and that was on a saturday! the loft punk scene is really on its last legs if those bands can't collectively pull 100+ people on a in conclusion, bringing 35 people into on the y (which is DEAD most of the time, i'm sure) on a weeknight probably seemed pretty awesome to grant. i'm pretty sure he's going to lose his shit when a-frames come though, maybe we can use that to squeek in some fri/sat.shows in the future. i like that spot a lot, we should definately keep doing stuff there if we can justify doing a 21+ bill. ok, back to work...john

I know it's not fair to make fun of this because it was a private correspondence, but I can't resist just a couple of comments. Here's what he printed when he realized he had pulled a.....Major Boner!:

ps. I guess I can quit trying to convince myself Sexy Prison is worth > watching. (this was the end of Charles' rebuttal. He totally mispelled sexxxeexxxeeeexxxee. The Crest is so going down in the spelling bee)

charles, if anyone actually has to put effort into liking something,then their hearts obviously aren't in it...and that's totally ok! so are opinions. try not to hold mine against me even when i slather them with gross jerk sauce. i don't hate you or anyone else in rock thelight, just rock the light.

dear public: in the event that any of you are feeling left out(smiller?...wait...sorry guyz, that was just my obligatory "smiller"namedrop of the day) i have just as much contempt for rtl as i do forthe music played by gift of goats, the feeling, the bananas, the foureyes, knock knock, oh dark 30, pets, black dahlias, lyme regis,electric badness, compassion in action, brilliant red lights, butch vs.femme, the sores, eat the people, ski instructors, cowboy killers, jay and joel show, slammin b.o.d., scenes from the struggle, munia,carquinez straits, duchess of saigon, st. avalanche, th' losin' streaks, my whole hand was wet, living breathing music, sla, dead western, thee danny offer sensitive solo project, chad and kevin, hotel pistol, knightmares, and also gift of goats who get mentioned twice toemphasize how much i think they suck. not to mention, does my wholehand was wet even count as a band? pretty sure i left a bunch of othershit 2005 bands out, but that's because they all sucked too bad for meto even remember their names. hell, the ones i listed are lucky if i even spelled their names right. i have a laundry list of grievances with each and every one of you (especially the ones i haven't seen orheard before), which have up to this point been discussed only offlistand behind your backs. i will be settling this in the coming weekswith a series of leaked emails addressed to mark kaiser, so keep an eyeout for YOUR name in BOLD print. if i get lazy or forget, know this:it is my opinion that all of you suck and that i am the best...i am in fact, #1. actually, i'm not kidding about that either.charles pt 2, i'll see you face to face tonight, i can either buy you drinks all night (i will NOT hug you though!) or we'll just whip outsome chains and do it up on THA STRETE. your

I don't really get this post. Maybe someone can explain the joke to me. And in conclusion, I would like to bravely step forward and, from the heart, in your best interest, tell you all bravely and with the utmost bravery that you suck. This is for your own good. It's time you know.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

search terms extravaganza

And the old blogging favorite when things are reeeeeally slow around here is to show the search terms that people have entered and ended up at my blog:

Am I snotty -can a search engine really answer this question?
How to shocker clit
Nerdoscience -note the spelling
Out hud tour
Nick and Jessica feud
Luis Jr.s graswich Japanese-my blog is the only thing that came up
Lifestyles of the rich and famous joe maloof
Cary rodda
Paris Hilton mike bibby
Female escorts in greece
Award winning macaroni salad
Fetus party
Sizzurp recipe
Fetus puppets
Jermaine dupri troll -mean, but true
Rosario dawson’s breasts
Ass and titties-Lots of “titties” or ass and titties
Mike bibby’s girlfriend is white-is that a question?
Fucking Macedonians-probably the best one
Ciara used to be a man
Did ciara use to be a man?-this enjoyed a brief vogue but has died down
Fergi black eyed pies
Ksfm sucks
Ben casey symbols
Natalie portman’s ass
Dirty homsi jokes
Ashanti’s tittied-that's right I guess it's a verb, too
Benji hooter (four eyes blog came up first before mine, curses!)
Mandelay anal
Kiedis girlfriend heather
40’s cop speak-this one is funny. did they think there would be an online dictionary of this?
sacramento kings royal court dancers naked
rich yuppie snobs
Patricia heaton breast (gross)
What’s mike bibby’s favorite everything?-a real fan
Mandelay cream review
Stupid irritating hipsters
Dirty thirty party
Whip appeal
Jizz trees


so bored. so, so bored.

Sarah K. if you are still reading and would like to post about your party, go ahead and post the time and date and directions. If not, I'll find out from someone else. You can't keep me away from your party even if you try!

Watched Chinatown last night and it may be my favorite movie ever. Top 5 for sure. I watched the interviews with Polanski, Towne, and Evans afterward. Nothing too exciting but it made me mad when the only thing Polanski said about Faye Dunaway was to note how he wanted her to look. He wanted her to look like how his mom looked during that era, with superthin drawn-on eyebrows and cupid bow lips. Now I agree she looks amazing, but no one even talked about her acting. She is PERFECT in this part. Just think about the fact that the studio wanted Jane Fonda and I think you'll agree that this movie probably wouldn't have been so great without Dunaway. I think Jane Fonda would have sucked it and brought way too much of her own personality into the part. Maybe Polanski and Dunaway didn't get along, she's supposed to be quite a bitch.

Dianna Griego Erwin had a column a couple of days ago about the public meetings that Sac city will be holding to talk about the 20 year plan for Sac's future. She gives the dates and places for all the meetings here:
Supposedly, up to 200,000 more people will be moving here in the next decade and a half. Fuck. That sucks. That's depressing. Maybe I should just move to Fort Lauderdale and PARTY ALL THE TIME!

show review

The Rock the Light show last night was surprisingly hecka fun. I was dressed inappropriately because I was out of clean clothes so I branched out into a questionable outfit and thought it would be o k because I was picturing more people at the show and maybe dimmer lighting, but when I got there it was definitely a little too much. I struggled to sit in a ladylike manner and felt that I stuck out. Stupid assless chaps. But enough about me. Heckamax got the crowd riled with cries of "tuesday night". At one point, Charles asked the crowd if the levels sounded "good or great" and we of course replied "great". Heckamax had to keep entreating the masses not to lean on the rail in front of the stage, lest it collapse and kill one of the band members. The Hells Angels in front were causing some tension but luckily it didn't erupt into stabbin'. I don't know why RTL hired them to do security. I guess the Hare Krishnas just weren't working out. Some instrument switching went on and Dylan shredded surprisingly hard on guitar. That's the sign of a real pro band, when they can switch instruments without missing a beat.

There has been some buzz around the idea of a Crest vs. Tower spelling bee. The idea of a beauty contest was quickly nixed by the ladies. Let's hope the bee really happens. For the Crest I think this spells d-e-f-e-e-t. Cuz they are L-O-O-S-E-R-S. They will be H-U-M-I-L-I-G-R-A-T-E-D. Not to brag, but I'm probably the ringer they will bring in this time. Last time it was a battle of brawn, and they won, this time a battle of branes, and Tower will kick ass!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

show tonight

Rock the Light is playing a show at Inferno (?) tonight at 8:00. So go watch the rock and eat some delicious pizza. Just kidding about the delicious pizza part.

tips for handling stress

Sometimes my job involves a fair amount of stress. Today is one of those days. You're probably thinking, "heckasac, how do you handle all that stress?". Well, I'll share some of my work stress-handling strategies with you:

1) Distract yourself from the stress by worrying about physical ailments. Do you have any odd lumps on your body? If you look hard enough I bet you will find one. What about that mole that was itching a few weeks ago? It looks weird. It's probably cancerous. And do you feel that numb spot on your lip? It's probably going to break out into a cold sore and then everyone will laugh at you. See? I bet you just forgot about all the things pressing down on you to do at work.

2) Lash out at coworkers and/or act overly dramatic about your stress level. Cultivate a general stormy look and sigh alot. Or curse loudly when you hang up the phone after talking to someone who is making your life miserable. No one will care, and this leads me to tip 3

3) Constantly bombard yourself with negative thoughts. Why did you just snap at that undergrad? You suck. You're a bitch at work and your co-workers all hate you. An endless loop of thoughts like these will keep you from worrying about all the tasks you have yet to complete. And when the day is over and you finally get home...

4) Crack a beer. Immediately. If you are out of beer that Charles Shaw chardonnay that someone left at your house a long time ago will do in a pinch. Choke it down and try to forget. Fall asleep early and repeat the next day.


A proper post will probably have to wait until after lunch but for now...

Does anyone have any further info about Paul and Phil discussing the Tower on the teevee?

I'm hearing buzz that Carlos won the womens arm wrestling belt. Is this true? Above all here at Heckasac we strive for accuracy. Or the appearance of it.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Denio's review

Everything I know about the Denio's auction I learned from Ella. My first tip is to park across the street at Auction Town. It's much easier to get into and to find your car in later. Auction Town is looking like even more of a ghost town these days. Hardly anyone had bothered to set up booths. Auction Town is also home to Walt's mini-donuts, which CANNOT be missed. Walt sits patiently in his stifling hot mini-donut trailer while a continuous tape loop blares "fresh, hot mini donuts. 5 for a quarter 18 for a dollar and 6 for 5o cents. stop on by and take a bag home". Just while I was standing waiting for my donuts (Walt is very slow and won't be rushed) this loop was hammered into my brain and pretty much still is. You can watch Walt fry the donuts and it's the coolest thing. It's like a tiny donut factory. Walt is such a nice man, and seems so happy to be selling donuts that it's really inspiring. After you scarf down some donuts and a small coffee for a quarter (you read that right), head right on over to the world's best tamale stand and stand in line for your breakfast tamale. Don't try to come back for a lunch tamale because the place will either be shut down or out of tamales. The chicken and chile and cheese are both great, and the dessert tamales are good too. Try the pineapple. The taco stand right next to Walt's is decent, too, and won't make you sick despite appearances.

After that we did a lot of auction wandering, Miller got a brew but as I was driving I skipped my normal trifecta of weed, brew, and corn dog. The most annoying thing was this guy with tons of records, but they were all water damaged and many of them were actually stuck together and MOLDY. After at least 15 minutes of browsing I asked his prices. He said "they start at two, some are more". I said, "even the moldy ones" but he ignored me and cranked the Bonnie Raitt (I dare not ask how much the Bonnie Raitt LPs would be. They're probably priceless). In order for my time to not have been spent in vain I took up a perfectly common Joni Mitchell LP to purchase (despite the fucked-up cover), and said "two dollars, right". He gleefully crowed, "actually it's five, but thanks for finding it for me". Infuriating. Does he rent a booth just to deny people his records? I wonder what else he does for fun. Maybe he stands on marathon routes and denies people water. Later we found the rad record guy and I got the same record for less than a buck, and in good condition. Fuck you, other guy. I got a Jewish rap record from 1992 from a guy called "A to the D". His hit is "Renegade Jew", with the words "the renegade Jew is comin' after you". Crappy. I also got a Bauer pot and weiner dog planter from the 50's. Thumbs up.

The weirdest thing we saw was a collection of framed film stills. I spotted it because one was from "something wicked this way comes", which I like (both book and movie). After further examination I discovered that all the film stills, framed articles from People magazine, etc. were of a little person named Peter Risch. He was also in Ghoulies and a pretty well-known documentary called "I am not a freak" about people who are very different in appearance in some way. It was obvious that all this stuff belonged to him and had ended up jumbled in a box on the ground at Denios. I looked him up in Imdb. Here's his page:
He died in 1989, but I couldn't find any more information about him or his death since it was pre-internet.

Creepy as fuck

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Here's the real Amityville horror house where Ronald Defeo killed 6 members of his family. That movie kept me from sleeping last night. It's not that great (Van Wilder's beefy body repulsed me), but it's kinda scary.

I'd like some ass with my coffee.

The sexiness continues at the Naked Lounge, but no bisexual sexiness this time.

Knock Knock article

Good job E.S. on the Knock Knock feature in the News and Review:
This is a pleasant, well written little article. I even learned a couple of new things. I didn't know that they are recording an EP for Tonvendor to put out, and I didn't know that the lyrics of "Like Lightnin'" were about Heckamax's thyroid. I bet this is the only song to ever be written about an under-producing thyroid. Of course songs about over-producing thyroids are well-traveled ground, but Knock Knock avoids such cliches.

They are playing this thursday with the Knightmares and the Pets at Old I.

Heckasac exerts herself and complains about it.

I feel lame that I missed the Tower vs. Crest arm wrestling party. It sounds like everyone had fun. I felt that I had to choose between that and my planned early morning trip to Denio's, so Denio's won out. The Crest brought in a ringer, so their title is in doubt. He is currently hired on at the Crest but has yet to work a shift. Is he truly an employee? I'm waiting for the decision of the Sacramento Arm Wrestling Ethics Committee and I'll accept whatever they decide.

Highlights from secondhand sources: the giant, buff ringer taking off his shirt and making his pecs dance to the beat of Chris Baxter's drum

An upset in which the Homzee demolished Heckamax. Some think Heckamax was slow on the draw in this match.

A "mirror match" in which Vann wrestled his doppelganger.

Carlos losing the womens title to Carrie. Better luck next time, Carlos. Keep working out.

Do you want to hear about my weekend? No? Too bad.

Friday night: got ditched by the Homzee due to a supposed "missed connection". Maybe I should post on craigslist to find out what happened. Stayed in and watched "Don't Look Now" which I recommend mostly for the excellent and gratuitous sex scene between one elegant lady, Ms. Julie Christie, and one mustachioed man with a surprisingly cute butt, Mr. Donald Sutherland.

Saturday: Excellent breakfast at Melange. I love this place so much. It's the best. The weather was, how do you say? Perfect, so I felt ambitious and decided that it was time to try to ride to the Sunflower in Fair Oaks. Charles was in so we embarked on our trip, starting around 2:00 and getting on the bike trail in Old Sac. I am not exactly in shape so this type of excursion provoked some mild anxiety from the start (just getting up in the morning causes me anxiety, so this is no surprise). The anxiety swelled as I noted that we had been riding for about an hour before we passed Sac State. The actual time was in dispute throughout the bike ride as neither of us had brought watches. I found various things to freak out about including: bugs flying in my eyes and hair at least 10 times, the possibility that the hours of riding would wear a hole in the seat of my new pants, that I would get sunburned, etc., etc. Despite all these worries, the scenery was amazing. I felt like I was in Napa. The bike trail was packed, mostly with spandex-clad Serious Bike Riders. They whizzed by us constantly. During the entire bike ride I think the only people Charles and I passed were a little kid and his dad and a chubby guy in a warm-up suit and gold chains who looked to be about 5 minutes away from a massive coronary. We rode forever and a day, with me threatening to back out and turn around every five minutes and fretting that we were only half-way every time I looked a map on the side of the trail. This wasn't helped by the fact that every single "you are here" dot was scratched out so we could never quite tell where we were. About three hours after we started, we exited over the Fair Oaks bridge and started walking up the hills into old Fair Oaks. Charles was able to ignore my constant whining (he has had years of experience at this) and seemed to still be enjoying himself although I was threatening to collapse if the Sunflower didn't appear immediately. Within a few minutes we came upon Fair Oaks Blvd and we were within a block or two. Nothing has ever seemed so delicious as the Sunflower was that day. This place is always great, but as Charles said that Joel's dad says "hunger is the best sauce". And all this time I thought hollandaise was the best sauce. I got a (heh heh) nutburger and the vegan potato salad. The nutburger was delicious as always (don't get fooled into ordering the large (heh heh) nutburger because it's pretty much the same except it's on a pita that falls apart), the potato salad was just OK. I wouldn't really recommend it. Charles got a millet burger and it was really good. The patty melt is also excellent.

At this point it was after six. We tried to call Charles mom to pick us up but she wasn't home. Charles was confident that if we rode down Sunrise into Rancho we would come to a light rail stop fairly soon. I was still freaking out and didn't believe him (I'm coming off really well here), but he turned out to be right and within half an hour we were comfortably seated on light rail and being whisked towards home. It was quite a contrast to go from the idyllic nature of the bike trail and being thrust onto riding on one of the most hellish suburban streets in all of Sac., with minimal bike lanes and people zooming by at highway speeds.

Charles and I then went and got our Queens of the Stone Age tix (better get yours, I bet it will sell out) and some brews and watched some Curb Your Enthusiasm, including the one where Larry has a pubic hair caught in his throat for the whole episode (Sacramento connection: Jack Gallagher, the Crystal milk guy plays the doctor who tells Larry to let the hair work itself out).

Later I headed to Old I. to watch Baby Grand. All of Erik's fans were in the house to watch his debut as keyboard player and back-up vocalist. They sounded great. The second to last song (not sure of the name) was really pretty and catchy.

Do you want to hear about my Denio's trip? I bet you can't wait. Tune in later.

poor tower

Man, it's been a tough weekend for Tower. First, they lose in both the women's and men's division of the arm wrestling contest and now this:
I have a bunch of work to do, so hopefully I can post later...

Friday, April 15, 2005

gawker stalker

The LCD show in New York made the Gawker stalker listings:

Sighted celebs galore at the LCD Soundsystem show at Bowery Ballroom: PJ Harvey, Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys, and David Byrne

that reminds me, I should buy my tickets now

still angry

Has anyone else noticed NPR's all-polio-vaccine-all-the-time coverage this last week? Did you know that it's the 50 year anniversary of the fucking polio vaccine? No? You didn't? Well let me tell you about it for about 3 hours a day for five days then. This matches their all-pope-all-the-time coverage from the last two weeks. Imagine if the Pope had ever had polio, that would be a story worthy of at least a month of in-depth reporting.

Why I'm An Idiot-Chapter 1,896

Forget it, it's tiresome to type this out. Suffice to say I'm an idiot because I engaged in a pointless argument with a librarian wearing clogs who was obviously relishing the fact that he got to say the phrase "your library privileges have been suspended" to me numerous times. Long story short, the book that I was insisting I had returned and whining about how they lost and were charging me for in error, was sitting on my fucking bookshelf this morning. I had returned a different Calvino book that I had. Hence, idiot.

What do people do when someone makes a racist joke or statement in front of them? Unfortunately, this has happened to me at least 4 or 5 times in the last year and every time I'm so taken aback that I say nothing.

I don't even feel like typing the restaurant review, either. Oh, I know what's wrong with me, PMS, duh. That's why I feel this large swell of anger with no apparent cause. That's probably why I fought with the librarian, too.


I want to get some work done, but check back later for a story that shows what an idiot I am and a restaurant review.

Thursday, April 14, 2005


There's another baby ninja in the world!!!

blog wad shot

Not much to say today. I think I shot my blog wad yesterday. It was a struggle getting those pictures posted.

The ever-scheming billionaird Maloof bros have pulled a surprise move. They actually paid back a big chunk of their loan to the city. Twelve million to be exact. Now they only owe 72 million! It's sad that them paying back their loan is news. I'm sure they did it just to kick-start the arena building process.

In really sad news, a teacher at St. Francis was killed by some drunk guy:

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Ratgrabbin': an odyssey in 10 photos

The long awaited photoessay collaboration between heckasac and heckamax is finally here. Watch the gentleman of the gentleman's club bravely do battle with one of nature's most dangerous creatures: the dead rat.

Ratgrabbin' 1: the game has begun

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

The prototype stick is assembled from spaceage polymers and whatever crap is laying around the gentleman's club.

Ratgrabbin' 2: Electric boogaloo

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

I had to call it that.

Ratgrabbin' 3: That rat don't scare me

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

The ratgrabbin' stick undergoes rigorous testing on both animals and humans. And manimals.

Ratgrabbin' 4: Show that rat to Hell's door

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Heckamax gives the final thumbs up. The mission is a go.

Ratgrabbin' 5: Nitro's still alive

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Nitro wanted to handle the situation, but due to his advanced age and frail mental condition a ratgrabbin' expedition was nixed by his superiors.

Ratgrabbin' 6: Nothing rhymes with six

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Testing the arm guards.

Ratgrabbin' 7: send that rat up to heaven

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Ratgrabbin' 8: that rat don't look so great

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Dead rat+ time + bleach = gross

Ratgrabbin' 9: the grabber works fine

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Here's the grabber in action after years of testing by the FDA and FCC.

Rat grabbin' 10: no rats ever again

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Here is the rat after a successful grabbing. It will later be disposed of in a secret, Gentleman's-club-only sweat lodge ritual in the upstairs bathroom

article about the Loft

Just to bring it to people's attention, here's Christian Kiefer's query about the Loft:

Gallo is a spooky motherfucker, that's for sure, but Buffalo 66 is a terrific movie.Meanwhile, I'd like to explore the idea of writing something about the Loft: Maybe something long. Wanted to know if you Lofters would be willing to talk to me or if you think of me irreversably as the enemy / idiot / j.o. / asshole. I'm not sure if "irreversably" is spelled correctly so you can add "bad speller" to that list as well.I figure how that the Loft is over it can be safely embalmed. I'm kidding (kind of). I've heard it called the important "venue" in Sacramento ever but it's history is untold. Thing is: I don't know any of the Loft people and in fact most of the people I talk to know about it but seemingly few have first hand experience. I know some (most or all) of you here have and do, so I'm asking: Can we talk about it?

If anyone wants to lead him down the path for this article, I'm sure it's easy to get his email off of the News and Review web page. I went to the Loft alot for shows but I wasn't really that involved and I never staffed the Hindenburg or anything. I guess he should get in touch with Soriano.

Chicken Little is right!

OK, so maybe Tower wasn't just crying wolf with this Century theater expansion thing. The Bee has an article about how various theaters in Cali have prompted the attorney general to investigate whether Century is using illegal business methods to squeeze out local arthouse theaters:
City councilman Rob Fong weighed in by saying that it shows "independent operators" have a right to be concerned. Well, I guess you can argue about the meaning of the term "independent", but regardless I guess Tower could really be in trouble if Century intends to pressure distributors to give them the big arthouse movies.

That reminds me, the article says that the new screens are going to be over Morton's. Has anyone gone to Morton's? I forgot that we even had one in Sac. Add it to the list of local steakhouses I've never tried along with the Broiler, Chops, etc. I don't really get the big deal with steak.

LCD Soundsytem is playing with M.I.A. at the Fillmore, and the show is approaching fast! It's saturday, May 14th. I will probably buy a ticket within a few days.

The Bananas are playing at Gilman on friday. People should caravan, that's always a good time. The Gilman kids love them some Bananas. They usually end up jamming the stage and all trying to sing into the mic. It's pretty cute.

It looks like I'm going to be flying to New York for a long weekend within the next few weeks. My plan is to eat at a few really good restaurants, visit the Cloisters (inspired by an article in the New Yorker on the unicorn tapestries), and of course go shopping at H & M. Maybe I will see an Olsen twin this time but nothing will ever beat my Vincent Gallo sighting last time, nothing.

I'm listening to the Os Novos Bainos (I think "os" means "the" so I guess I just said it twice) Smashing Times for the first time. I can't even describe how great it sounds. I'm just furiously scribbling the mental images that come to mind...let's see...I'm hungry...I should hurry up and write this and go do some work...what should I eat for lunch today?... Ok that didn't work. I'm no Sasha Frere-Jones. If you run into Miller, bug him to give you a copy. I hope he's not annoyed that I wrote that.

I am going to try to scan in the Ratgrabbin' pics today so stay tuned...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

hot links

I can't believe I never thought of that heading before.

Continuing to drive me nuts is the cryptic and popular blog "sacramento is the new new york"
I don't believe this guy lives in sac, but he is so fucking vague. He never makes any reference that I can recognize as Sac related. Puzzling.

This just OK blog now has a separate blog for people to tell stories about horrible exes. It's amusing. Here it is:
I thik they'll be adding new material periodically.

chili dog roll, please

Nothin' much goin' on around here, just thought I'd post again because I'm getting so many hits today. I feel pressure to post.

That spot on J street that formally housed J. Lee's (good riddance) will soon be home to a sushi place called Kru. The Bee recently had an article on the poor kid that's opening it:
It doesn't sound too promising. I hope this is not one of those doomed spots where restaurant after restaurant fails. I fear for him because of his inexperience and because he is veering away form the Cali-style sushi to more raw fish. I just don't know if there are enough diners who want the raw fish. I think they mostly want cream cheese and chicken in their sushi. Maybe if he made a cheddar bacon roll he'd be OK.

I have been hearing good things about Nopalitos, deep in East Sac on J st. right by Sac State. Especially the chile verde. It's one of those weekday lunch-only spots that I can never get to, though. Someday maybe.

Not to turn this into the indie list west, but there's another intriguing show coming up. This one's at Old I. It's a band called Black Mountain that's supposed to be all Zeppeliny or something. And they're playing with Frog Eyes. It's next monday. After last night's show I'll have to see how I feel.

Baby Grand is playing their first live show with my friend Erik as part of the band this saturday. They're playing second so if you want to catch them don't show up too late.

dud show

So I flyered a couple of blocks around my house with that Sac PD press release for the rape. People really noticed when I was putting them up, and it was cool to interact with my neighbors and talk about it. I gave the flyer to this group of three pre-teen girls and told them to be careful and they were really nice about it. The weird thing is that I started to get really paranoid that the rapist would see me and target me for doing this. A guy walked past me that looked like the guy in the sketch, without the mustache (and he has most likely shaved that off if he's seen the sketch). This guy looked like a state worker walking to his car, though. And then a guy with a mustache, but who didn't really look like the sketch was lurking at the school and kept staring at me. That freaked me out, and what the fuck was who doing at the school, anyway? So many creeps. I'll probably flyer farther out after work today.

After a hearty serving of beef wellington (which, for those of you who don't know, is filet mignon, topped with pate and sauteed mushrooms, and surrounded by a puff pastry shell), made for me by one of Sacramento's hottest new chefs, I went to the Jennifer Gentle show at the Fool's Foundation. This show was a good example of why I almost never go to a show on a week night. I was really fooled into thinking that I could see the band and still be asleep by midnight. Ha. The first performer (Dead Western) started at 10:00. Now, as Thumper sez in "Bambi", "mama says if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothin' at all" and I always take the advice of cute bunnies, so I'm not going to say anything. Well, one thing. Regardless of the quality of his performance, I think anyone would agree that for a solo performer whose musical pace is glacially slow, performing for an hour is a bit of a stretch. I went inside for the last song because it was so cold outside and when I noticed the hushed tone I was worried that the people inside had heard my loud kvetching. By the time Jennifer Gentle took the stage I was itching to go. They sounded good, but were also slower than I had expected, and when the third song turned out to be one of those slowly building, floaty, spacey kind of songs I cut out. Kind of a dud show. For me.

Does anyone else hate the New Yorker music critic (Sasha Frere-Jones) besides me? There is a big article on Slint in this week's issue. I've never heard Slint before, but there is this irritating thing in the article where, as Slint is playing at Irving Plaza, Sasha is furiously scribbling the mental images that come to his mind, which range from like atomic bombs falling, to deer pooping in the forest, or something. I'm totally misquoting but whatever he wrote is equally stupid. This week's (April 11th) issue is great, though. A return to form for the first time in months.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Show/food review

So the rock and roll weekend was not quite as rockin' as I thought it would be as theReadymades show in Woodland got cancelled. Too bad.

I went to the Bananas/Lyme Regis show on saturday but I missed Lyme Regis because they played first(?). The Bananas were the best I have seen them in a while. The sound was good, Mike was in Full Guido Mode with a sharkskin suit and blu-blockers. There was lots of heckling and chanting, Whitey started a mosh pit (and spilled beer on my new sweater. Thanks Whitey), Ground Chuck passed out stickers that said (what else) ground chuck and briefly took over mic duties, there was an arty dude wearing a poncho (funny), and the Bananas closed perfectly with the nautical rock and roll song (is it called siren song? i never know song titles) which is so fun to sing along and whistle along with. I heard there was a rumble in the street afterward but I left as soon as the show was over so I missed it.

Saturday morning I gave Ambrosia (corner of 9th and K) a try for breakfast on a recommendation from a friend and it really blew. The breakfast menu is quite limited and the only thing with eggs (a toast/eggs/cheddar/bacon thing) didn't sound good at the time so I settled on yogurt and granola. That shouldn't be too hard, right? From the quite nice counter teens I received a gigantic (ginormous even) bowl of what appeared more like trail mix than granola. It had an unpleasantly dark color, and was mostly nuts and hard dried fruit with very little grain. All I could think looking at it was "bug eggs". It just seemed really old and stale and I imagined moths laying eggs in it or something. I did not actually see any bugs or eggs, this was just the mental impression I got. So, giant bowl of hard nutty stuff and a tiny plastic dish of yogurt. If you are a yogurt and granola eater, I think you will agree that usually the yogurt granola ratio is at least half and half. Personally, I like more yogurt than granola. I asked the counter guy to throw out half the "granola" and give me another thing of yogurt, which he cheerfully did. I ordered an Earl Grey tea and they gave me a gigantic cup of lukewarm water and instructed me to pick out a tea bag. They only had that annoying new-agey organic tea that all has fruit flavors and crap. I picked some kind of bergamot, but due to the large quantity of water and its tepidness, that was gross, too. I choked down a bit of the "granola" and daydreamed about lunch. My friend says the vegetarian sandwiches are good, so I might give this place another try, but I doubt it. A sign in the window said that it's changing ownership yet again so maybe the new owner will improve it.

Lunch was egg salad from Taylor's, also on a recommendation from a friend, and it was really good. Best egg salad in town? I hesitate to say it because I don't want to start another fight in the comments.

Show tonight!

Damn. So many shows. I just noticed that tonight is Jennifer Gentle at the Fool's foundation. 8 o'clock, five bucks. I probably won't go because I am going to a dinner party, but the description in pitchfork sounds interesting:

more blabbing

When is Dave Smith's official return date? I want to have a special blog entry dedicated to my favorite Dave Smith moments and I'm hoping others will share theirs, too. But not now! Whenever he's coming back.

As for other upcoming events, the McKinley book sale is coming up. I've had a hard time finding the dates, but I think it's the first weekend in may (same as the Dixon may fair). It may be during the week, too, I'm not sure. If you've never been to this, you must go. The book selection is amazing. It's held in the big brick building in McKinley park.

Also, has anyone read any Ian McKewan novels? His new book is so hyped that I'm interested but I've never heard much about him before this.

I saw Melinda and Melinda on friday and I would definitely recommend it. It's not a classic by any means but it is a definite improvement on Woody's last few. In fact, checking imdb, I would say that it's the best in six years, since "Sweet and Lowdown". And if you go see it, you will help to save the Tower! Save it!

Rapist strikes the south side

Oh yeah, I also have some bad news to report. There was a sexual assault at 12 and S st. On march 23rd. In broad fucking daylight. Here's the site for the sketch of the suspect:
So stay alert and stay out of alleys when you're walking. When I first saw this flyer I didn't notice how he had been standing by the alley and that it was in the afternoon. I assumed it was in the middle of the night. I walked all over that exact neighborhood numerous times this weekend, and through alleys, too. I hope they fucking catch this guy. I was thinking of printing out threatening flyers and posting them around. Or even just posting the police department's flyer, but putting it everywhere, so if that guy walks around he will be freaked out. Because even though this assault happened three fucking blocks from my house, I have only seen one flyer posted, and it was in the window of Dad's. Maybe I will do that. I can print them at work.

Pin A Go Go!

There are a lot of fun weekends coming up. The first weekend in may is the Dixon May Fair. Willie Nelson is on saturday and Lynyrd Skynrd is on sunday. The next weekend after that (May 13th, 14th and 15th) is the Pin a Go Go. It's early this year, so hopefully it won't be as hot. For those of you that haven't been, Pin a Go Go is an exhibition of new and antique pinball machines and you can play them all for a flat fee! This year saturday is ten bucks, friday and sunday are five, but it's only open 10 to 4 on sunday. I love Pin a Go Go because I'm so horrible at pinball that I always lose within a minute, but this way I can play for as long as I want. And it has all the cool games, like Night Rider, the Guns and Roses game, etc.

On the music front, the Fiery Furnaces are coming up soon(April 26th) and I just found out that the Queens of the Stone Age are coming to the Empire, so I guess I'll finally get to see that venue. I've heard bad things. The show is may 31st, and tix go on sale on the 16th. You can get them at the Beat.

I hope everyone has seen the Rock the Light cover and interview in Alive and Kicking. It is so fucking funny! I am going to try to transcribe it for those who live out of town and can't get their hands on a copy, but I can't do this at work so I'm not promising anything.

I'll post again later.

Friday, April 08, 2005

This just in

Parrot friday is in full swing at Beers! Rush over there before it closes if you want to see adorable Petey make an explosion noise.

Another tip

Steven Colbert was on Fresh Air talking about the Strangers With Candy movie and just generally being funny, so you can download that if you're so inclined.


Oh yeah, addendum to this last entry: potential Tower women's arm wrestling champ Carlos tangled with my arm of Russian steel twice last night. The first time we wrassled he won but I felt that I was at a bad angle and so we had a rematch after the show. It was intense. It lasted at least a minute and totally hurt my arm but I triumphed. You can't beat the genes of hundreds of generation of Russian peasants. Legend has it that my great-great-great grandmother use to give birth in the fields and keep working. I cry if my tummy hurts, so I don't know if this is relevant at all. Anyway, I have beat Carlos 2 out of 3 times, but he's getting stronger.

Grandma stays up til 2:00

Before the Ariel Pink show I went to an exclusive pre-party where the VIP guests included Petey the Parrot. I'm sure you've heard of him and I can report that he's every bit as fabulous as the tabloids say. He has a full repertoire of whistles and can make a sound like an explosion.

I then careened over to the Bonn Lair where Jenny and Margaux had made two new friends that thanked them for providing them shower masturbation material and upon leaving, one of the gentleman drunkenly swayed in front of Margaux while saying, "I love you in ways that only the district attorney can understand". What girl isn't charmed by a threat of rape? I drank a Chimay, which as you may know is VERY strong, and then back to Miller's for a bracing shot of whiskey and out into the cold, cold night. Right before I left I complained that I was tired and Miller said, "come on grandma, get young!". Then we started chanting "get young" in imitation of so so many white white tiger singer girl chanting "get awesome" before they played (which I found to be very contrived). That can be the new chant for oldsters, Get Young!

Within the first three minutes of arriving, I cut my finger while locking up my bike, ended up insulting little Ariel Pink (I didn't know it was him. He sidled up next to me at the bar and I thought he was this guy I knew, so I mock snarled, "I'm next". He said, "you're feisty aren't you" I said "I thought you were my friend". He said, "that's how you treat your friends? Touche), and spilled beer down Jenny's arm. Although we tried our best to delay arriving as long as we could, the first band had just started when we arrived. I won't say much, except that they wore masks and capes and the singer was singing in a sort of smarmy, Nick Cave style. Then after forever and me trying to pace myself with drinks so I wouldn't just want to go home, the Pets played their usual bouncy 80ish set.

All through the night I noticed the little guy (who I still didn't know was Ariel Pink) hanging with this group of handsome, interesting looking dudes. Of course I didn't put two and two together and realize that they were the band, I just snottily joked that I was going to go up to them and ask "what suburb are you guys from?". That's how small Sac is, 5 guys that I don't know stand out like a sore thumb. They were obviously looking me and Margaux's direction while we were talking and some seemed to want to join in (I'm not saying they were scamming, maybe just bored in a town where they didn't know anyone), but I couldn't think of anything to say and was worried I'd babble drunkenly. I suck. I should remember to be more friendly. I just re-read that and it made me sound really bad because it seems like I'm saying I should have talked to them because they were in the band, I just meant I should have been friendly in general and not chickened out.

Anyway, after a million years and beers they took the stage. At first I thought they were too noise-style and boring, but by the 2ndand 3rd songs it was a bit more poppy (I just wrote poopy ha) and the cute, lanky keyboard player was going nuts and I was pretty stoned and it started to be awesome. I can't describe what they sounded like, what do I look like, Then they played a long time more and people started heckling and chanting "Bal-lad, bal-lad". People also chanted "more delay" because dude had an insane amount of delay on the vocals the whole time. Margaux yelled out "Tom Delay" and I think she thought no one noticed. But I did and it was funny. ( Speaking of Tom DeLay what more does he have to do to get brought down? Get caught blowing the President under the desk?) Personally I thought they(Ariel Pink) seemed a bit taken aback by the audience participation, I bet people in most cities just stand there and try and look cool. The main guy seemed a bit snotty but OK and agreed to play ballads, but also gave the impression that he was sort of mocking us at the same time. By the end they just jammed out for like 15 minutes and it was awful. I felt like it was pretty lame because it was almost like they thought they were putting one over on the rubes and we would think it was cool even though it was utter crap. Then they said they were tired and all left the stage. So Sac wore them out! Sac vs. Ariel Pink=we win! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the turnout was really good, I think like a 100 people? maybe. So see, bands like this can have good shows in Sac. They should stop passing us up!

A tip for you: LCD Soundsystem with bass player local boy makes good Tyler Pope just taped David Letterman and it will air on the 27th. Amy Sedaris is also on the same show.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

the wizard who would be pope

All right. This post just aint happenin'. Sorry if I'm letting you down. The Tower vs. Crest thing isn't the comedy gold that I thought it was, and only employees and former employees would care (which is most people in town, true)

I'll turn to someone else to be funny. I was thinking it might be fun to have a betting pool for which cardinal will become the new pope, and has a page on the candidates:

the wizard who would be pope

All right. This post just aint happenin'. Sorry if I'm letting you down. The Tower vs. Crest thing isn't the comedy gold that I thought it was, and only employees and former employees would care (which is most people in town, true)

I'll turn to someone else to be funny. I was thinking it might be fun to have a betting pool for which cardinal will become the new pope, and has a page on the candidates:

later still

fuckingmotherfucker ate my post completely and then posted instantly like 2 seconds later. What is wrong with this website?

To recap: I am busy but I may post a coupla lists later pitting the Tower against the Crest in honor of the upcoming womens arm wrestling championships between these two moldy oldies (who will win? katie? Carrie? Carlos?)

I was checking to see if the RTL A&K was out yet and was shocked to find that Jer Per doesn't have a website for it. That's hecka old school.

check back later today

I'll try to post after lunch.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

coupla reviews

I have a rock and roll three day weekend coming up. This is exciting. Tomorrow is Pets and Ariel Pink. There is a funny but untrue rumor going around that Pets got the show by being friendstered by Ariel Pink. Pets instructed me to keep spreading this rumor. Friday is the long-awaited Readymades reunion at some place that's supposed to be cool in Woodland. Saturday I am attending a private bowling party and then the Bananas/LYME REGIS/Readymades show at the hated Distillery.

Half-assed food reviews:

Grace and I at Dragonfly again. I had fun this time, too. We split a seared ahi appetizer that had a little wasabi and a little mayo stuff and tasted good. Then Grace got the crispy calimari salad that I got before and enjoyed and I got a noodle/veggie thing that was good but I thought it was too salty. Perhaps I am just too sensitive to salt cuz Grace thought it was OK. I have learned now though that complaining that something is too salty after you eat it is a great way to get a free dessert (which I have turned down both times lest you question my motives).

I ate at Paesano's last night. Have you forgotten about Paesano's? Perhaps it's time for you to fall in love with it all over again. OK, that's too strong, it's not that great, but it seems to have lost some of its hip luster in the last couple of years and now all the people that eat there get their SUVs valet parked across the street at Zocalo (heaven forbid they walk two blocks). They have toned down the obnoxious music, and last night it was good R&B at a reasonable volume. I got to hear "Whip Appeal", which made me happy. Just what is whip appeal? I can't figure it out. "whatever you want, it's allright with me, cuz you've got that whip appeal, so whip it on me". Anyway, we wanted pasta and Lucca's was crammed three deep at the bar and if there's one thing I've learned about Lucca's is that they suck at seating people when they are crowded. It is hellish to stand at the bar because you are in everyones way and sometimes the wait is even longer than they tell you. Also, I think I vowed not to eat there anymore after the last time I ate there. So we took off and almost ended up at Spaghetti Factory, but that seemed depressing, so we wandered around until I remembered Paesanos. Boy is this an exciting story. We started out with some putrid cheap cabernet. We also got some baked sourdough with "Paesanos oil" which sounds gross but is really good olive oil and balsamic with some red pepper flakes. This hit the spot. I got the tuttomare pasta. It's shells (it's weird that its shells) with tomato sauce, fresh spinach, cheese, and shrimp. The shrimp was overcooked and tough, but the rest was really tasty. Nothing fancy but it tasted good. It also came with garlic bread and there was enough of it for me to eat it for lunch today. H got the spaghetti with meat sauce because he had been craving meatballs and he said it was good. I tasted it and concurred.

I just noticed that the Savannah BBQ place is open right by Jacks. I'll have to try that soon. Speaking of losing its luster, Jacks seems much less crowded than it used to be. Maybe people tired of the annoying multiple line system.

Beware of Natalie

So this is what Natalie has been up to lately...

holy crap save the tower

Man, the mayor is really out of the loop on this one. How embarassing. Century has reached a deal with the owners of the downtown plaza (westfield co.) to add 9 screens to the movie theater downtown. They are going to add them at the same end of the mall the theater is already at. The mayor and downtown boosters had wanted them at the Hard Rock end of the mall because this would supposedly boost foot traffic. That is sad if people will really not walk from one end of the mall to the other to eat or buy stuff. Perhaps they should install a people mover-type gondola thing for those who won't walk. Or we could pay entry level teen workers to carry these people on their backs across the mall. The "Save the Tower" hystericalists (look I invented a word) are hystericall-er and say that this will drive the Tower out of business. The exact quote is, "We believe that adding anything more than five screens downtown will put the Tower out of business". It seems that a wind from the wrong direction may very well put the Tower out of business. I hope this is not true. I know that the Century Stadium 14 out in the burbs rarely shows any art films or has any overlap with Tower, but it does happen sometimes. But it seems to me that if the type of people who like to see these artier films simply had an experience at Tower that was more pleasant than the experience at these large, generic, cookie-cutter places this won't be a problem. So if Tower has projectors that work, proper lighting, a deal here and there on the concessions, and non-vomit-inducing bathrooms they should be OK. Think about it-you're a downtown resident who wants to see Sideways. To generalize, this probably means you live in Land Park or East Sac or Curtis Park. You probably like to drink good wine and eat good food, or at least care about that stuff a little, and you most likely also care if a business has a little bit of charm or history. Here and there there may be someone who would prefer rocking love seats to charm and history. These people are already lost to the Tower, because they would have just driven to the other Century in the first place. Although if it was put to a vote I would still vote to keep the downtown theater the way it is, just in case it could harm local business, I am stoked that I probably will be able to ride my bike to 9 out of 10 or more movies that I see now. About the only time I have to drive to the Arden area is to see movies at the Century Stadium. The UA always has crap. Less driving to the burbs is good. In a city with an urban center the size of Sacs, it's kinda ridiculous that I have to drive to the burbs to see about 1 out of 3 movies now.

I may post a couple of restaurant reviews later.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


Wow. Blogger is being kerazy to the max. Why do I always write stuff like that? It's not like you guys care. You don't know the struggles I go through to get stuff posted. The agony of the deleted post, the anguish of the double post. You don't really care about me. You just want to be entertained for 30 seconds to 2 minutes. Sigh.

I scooped the Bee on this story long ago, but they gave same coverage to the new vegetarian Andy Nguyen's. Here it is. I happened to eat there again last night and I am really getting a handle on all the best dishes to order. As I said before, the crepe is the bomb and now I will add the lemon beef salad to that list. The assorted veggie sauce was oddly gelatinous. Kind of gross.

Interview with Ella!

Originally uploaded by becklerg.

So I just got back from my work "retreat". Not too much debauchery to report. The best (most embarassing) thing was that the first night I got wasted and did karaoke to the Grease soundtrack into a banana. To the same song. Two times in a row. Then I threw up and passed out. All by 9:30!

I sent an interview to Ella and she was kind enough to reply. For those of you that know Ella, you know that she now resides in beautiful Tujunga. Ella is one of the ten or so people that comes to mind when I think of what makes Sacramento what it is. That's vague, I know. I don't really have time for a proper intro because I should really go do some work. Ella is amazingly creative and knowledgeable. She throws the best dinner parties and always makes anything more fun. I'll let her speak for herself now. I hope she likes the photo that I stole from her friendster, I think it's cute.

Where were you born?
I was born at Kaiser on Morse Ave, September, 1970. I am a 5th generation Sacramentan on my mothers' side. My Great Great Grandfather left the Azores as a teenager, to avoid being drafted into the Portuguese milliary, on a New England whaling ship in the 1860's. He sailed around the horn to California in 1870. He deserted the ship in S.F. and settled on "Babel Slough" which is in the delta near Clarksburg. He had relatives there already, since family members from our village of Ribherinia do Pico had come here during the gold rush. My Grandmothers' family helped establish West Sac. My Great Grandparents lived at 3rd and T. Relatives of mine had the Gentlemen's Club at U street built. My great great uncle was known about town as "The Bean King" and had a mansion over by target (bulldozed for freeway). My mother's family have always been farmers. It is a neat feeling to! have roots like that in your home town. It has sometimes really helped me cope with life. I am of Portuguese, Hungarian, Cherokee, Scots/Irish and French descent. What a mess!

What high school did you attend?
I went to Highlands High School for my freshman year in 1983-84. I grew up in North Highlands and although it was fun to grow up there, it is a pretty hopeless and violent place when you get older. My parents put me in Loretto High School my sophomore year. It was far from the neighborhood and total culture shock. It is a rich, Catholic, all girls "college prep academy". I hated it, although I am glad that I got a good education. My friends and I were the only new wave/punk kids at school. I remember not fitting in that well, having to wear a uniform every day except Friday, our family being really poor and sometimes being high on codeine saved from one of my bouts with walking pnemonia. Our graduation was at the Cathedral on K street. We wore white ball gowns and elbow length gloves and carried a dozen red roses.! I had to steal my diploma when I graduated because they were going to keep it because I had so many uniform violations (untucked shirts, wrong shade blue socks) until I cleaned the school for part of the summer AFTER I graduated. Fuck that. I cleaned the school the whole time I went there because we didn't have enough money to pay full tuition. I had a lot of good times too, like learning how to use the darkroom or listening to Pet Sounds for the first time in art class. Or dyeing my hair unholy shades of red at the Smith's house and hanging out with Dave and his sister Cary. I think I was "most individualistic" or some shit like that once in the yearbook. So funny!

When did you move downtown?/First house you lived in downtown?

August, 1989, age 18. My boyfriend and I moved back from Nevada City and got a one bedroom apartment on T street between 18th and 19th for $250. It was haunted. We moved to F between 14th and 15th in February, 1990. In those days, we rented the prettiest 1920's 2 bedroom apartment in the GHETTO for $175 per month! I feel like I'm 700 years old!

Sac Neighborhoods you have lived in?

Southside Park and Alkali Flats

Favorite Neighborhood?

The Delta, Southside Park or Curtis Park in the pre yuppie days.

Plan a perfect day off in Sac. What would you do? Where would you eat?

Hmmm? First of all it would be WARM. Denios at like 6am and I would find the best stuff ever and all the 20's dresses would fit me perfectly but there would be some to share too, then the Farmers Market at 9, then lots of kitchen time, making orange/blood orange/mandarin juice and eating fresh goat cheese on toast with my grandmothers' gooseberry jelly or fig jam and hanging out with Willy and Tess, talking. Then some house cleaning and the house would be SPARKLING CLEAN with flowers all over the place. There would be no clutter. Then we'd walk or ride bikes to a really fun afternoon show at the loft, where we'd see everybody we love. Everyone, including Marie would live in Sac again and we'd all drink some brews. After the show, a group of people would go hang out at our amazing, antique filled, house on G and then I'd whip up some food, which would turn out perfectly. Then I would happ! ily putter around the house doing things and playing records until I had to go to a party at like 10pm! Then stay out all night having fun and walk home when the birds start to do that special morning chirp at dawn and we'd go to sleep with all the windows open and a delta breeze in the air. Perfect!

Changes in Sac over the years-positive and negative?

It's not as janky and fucked up anymore. I miss that. Now I have to go to Stockton to get my kicks. This is both negative and positive I guess. Also- it used to be like a little village, downtown, a little town where there were local businesses ONLY. I really miss that part. Oh, and there were hookers and lots more bums and nobody ever said MIDTOWN. Captain Zorgli anyone? Starman (aka george clinton)? Stabbie? The old man in the wheelchair who yelled at you by the loft? The entire K Street Mall bum world? It was like a fucking casting call for civil war survivors down there! Those were the days. I really don't like the term Midtown. I wouldn't mind if they just called East Sac and McKinley park Midtown. But come on folks? Downtown is downtown until you get to the damn freeway over by Alhambra! Fuck Midtown.

Favorite Sacto bands

all of my friends' bands! Especially Bananas, Nar, Bright Ideas, Yamos, Four Eyes. or most anything those folks are/were in. That band with Uli and Jay Howell too! Anything with Tristan/Patrone/Ed. Daisy Spot.

memorable shows:

I really wish that I didn't have alzheimers and could REMEMBER the DETAILS.
Basically, I can't even lie and say that I was overly wasted, I am just old.

Pavement / Sebadoh at the cattle club.
Monks of Doom -cattle club
Pavement - old Ironsides
Tallulah Gosh in that basement on 19th
The entire Loft phenomenon - all of it, no matter what.
Yamos shows.
Daisy Spot, whenever they play.
Any Halloween show.
Any No Kill I show.
Shows with classic Sacramento heckling going on.
hmmmmmmm.....???? (Bananas at poinsettia, does it count?)

Favorite venues

The Loft
back yards
renegade shows
veterans halls

Best Thrift Store

The best thrift store is a carefully picked out yard sale.

Tell me about a thrift score or a Denios score that was memorable.

It's not going to matter to anyone, but I swear I had a magical/religious experience at Denios just last summer. I've been looking for a missing shade to a light fixture of mine for 15 years. Honestly. I've never really needed to put this fixture up in my house until last summer when Willy and I moved to LA. It was made in about 1932 and I've never seen a shade for sale EVER in 15 damn years. Long story short- We came up to Sac and went to Denios with the naive expectation that we might find it there cause we really needed it bad. I have been to Denios about ten thousand times in fifteen years and never found it. Well, I found it on a table covered with half empty perfume bottles from the 90's and "new" stuff all over it. It was just about the only old thing on the table. It was $5. I freaked out so bad that I couldn't yell to Willy to stop walking and come back. I couldn't speak. I needed it, a! nd the Gods of Denios smiled on me. Willy finally came back and I recovered the use of my voice and he asked me how much it cost. I said $5 and he said "What? You could have got it for $3!!" I don't tempt the gods that way. Nuh Uh. The whole thing was magical. I still cannot believe it happened.

Sac Jobs- where have you worked? Best/Worst?

I Magnin, Lunas, Crest, Vitae, Whole Earth Access, Statenet, Emigre (best), Cafe Rolle, Murphys Magic Supplies (worst).

Best Mexican restaurant:
now defunct El Mariachi on Harbor in W. Sac
now defunct 524 on 12th.
Vallejos for carnitas, enchilladas or that good ol' steak quesidilla
La Fiesta/La Favorita carne asada and fresh flour tortillas.

Fave Restaurant:
Vientianne on Harbor in W. Sac

Do you plan to move back?

Yes, now that I am the proud inheritor of a 1880 mansion on G street. Yes, someday I will move back and get down to some SERIOUS interior decorating. I cannot wait until that house looks the way I want it to look. It is gonna be good. I also cannot wait for the parties I want to throw there! I want it to look like a railroad baron's house with real American renaissance revival antiques from the 1870's mixed up with lighter things and oriental carpets and taxidermy and lots of books. Too bad that I don't have a million bucks to decorate it.

Memorable parties?

I loved having parties at my house on 10th and S.
I loved the old fashioned dance parties all over town that we used to have.
I just love a party, as long as it's at someplace where I can get comfortable and am not COLD.

What do you think about the jizz trees? Love 'em or hate 'em?

Alianthus "tree of heaven" - I hate them with a passion. They are taking over the world and destroying all native trees. I wish they had never been imported from China. I hate them, and I think they are actually evil, like cudzu. Probably from another planet. It makes me sad to see them on wild land especially.

New hipster kids - love 'em or hate 'em?

Once upon a time, we were all new hipster kids, right? Well, except Vanoni. I like the ones who have a fucking sense of humor and who aren't so scared of strangers that they won't talk to me. I like knowing I could pick one up in each hand and throw them if they act up. I have gotten crazier as I have gotten older and now I feel like I have a form of Tourettes. I find myself heckling those kids a lot more than perhaps I want to. Most of them will be moving to SF and becoming those people we love to hate in about two years anyhow, so I don't worry too much. If they want to live in Sac for the long term, they better grow up to be rad people.

Now that you don't live in Sacramento anymore, what do you notice about it when you come to visit?:

Life moves at a slower and more relaxed pace.
It is surprisingly rural and small, much more than I ever thought.
There are so many pretty old houses!
Rent is not super cheap.
It is less affluent than I thought. (those schmucks up in Granite Bay are probably all from Los Angeles)
It's beauty has to grow on you, as sometimes it isn't readilly apparent. It isn't a spectacular looking place, at first.
People are heavier than in LA
Regular people, say at the movies or shopping, in Sac are not as stylishly dressed as in LA, and this can be a really good thing sometimes, when "stylish" might equal cast-offs from Pamela Anderson's closet.
Regular people in Sac, going to dinner at a fancy restaurant would not find it appropriate to wear sweats and flip flops, which for some reason are de rigeur in LA.
People in Sac drive much faster on the freeway than in LA.
There are lots and lots of TINY humans in LA, like a race of elves, that do not inhabit Sacramento.