Wednesday, January 16, 2008

deep bullshit

So, I've still been searching out the perfect, mid-level yoga class for me. I finally decided that the advanced yoga class I'd been taking is too hard and I'm tired of being the only one in the class that can't casually balance all my body weight on one finger. I have contemplated going to Deep Yoga many times, mostly because it's right by my house, but very few of the classes are appealing to me (for instance, one called "body joy dance"). I went to their Kundalini yoga class yesterday, and it was like an hour and fifteen minutes in hell! I should have known that kundalini is all mystical and religious and shit, but I didn't. I was clued in when the teacher showed up wearing a weird flowy white getup and a turban. I should have snuck out while I had the chance. Right when I was setting up my mat, the chef from the Waterboy got there and set up his mat behind me. I know him enough to say "what's up", so I was pretty embarrassed that he was going to be right behind me for the whole time and that I was wearing my saggy-ass yoga pants. Thanks American Apparel. I guess glorified sweats that cost 36 dollars can't be expected to hold their shape. Then the class starts with a bunch of Sanskrit chanting that everybody knows, great. Instead of holding postures for strength or stretching you do a lot of flailing around and holding your breath and crap. To top it all off, my Tom's of Maine was not cutting it, so while I was flailing about I got to stress on the fact that I was stinking up the place, and that Rick Mahan would think I was gross. We would be ordered to flail around and I would try to flail gently so that my b.o. would not spread throughout the room. During the class, the teacher would bust out with pseudo-scientific shit like , "this movement stimulates the pituitary gland" or "you hold childhood trauma in your hips" that I had a hard time not rolling my eyes at. It ended with the whole class singing some bullshit about your life path. The thing that made me mad is that I felt I had basically been tricked into attending a religious service. I did get some good ab work, though. I usually like the mystical shpiel that goes along with yoga, I don't mind visualizing and meditating and even the occasional "om" is pretty fun, but I don't want to be talked to about God and I want some exercise. Deep gives you ten days for ten bucks if you're a starting student, which is one of the best deals in town, but I won't be back.

19 comments:

beckler said...

another clue that I probably should have picked up on-teacher descriptions such as this:

brett d. (aka siri amar dev singh) has been practicing kundalini yoga for about 40 lifetimes.

Liv Moe said...

i'm a fan of the hot yoga on folsom by trader joe's. the do the 10 fer deal too and not that i'd be using it right now but the outdoor shower is especially nice. you may not be a fan of the hot room tho'. i think we discussed this before.

Anonymous said...

There's gotcha capitalism and then there's gotcha spirituality. The three most uncomfortable days of my life were spent at the Ananda Center by Downieville because I had naively thought that their workshops would be more about developing my yoga butt, not getting recruited to join their cult.

Alicia/cialadybug is off in India at the moment but you can get ahold of the Indiechicks list. Great teacher and she won't go all Yogi Victor on you.

Anonymous said...

Oh and it's also a drive, but the Yoga Lotus Garden Ashram out in Carmichael has some great weekend classes and a really nice location. They can get spiritual, but it's never overbearing:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/lotus-garden-yoga-studio-carmichael

Alice said...

i hate kundalini. i know hate is a strong word but i don't want to breath and flail. it makes me want to pass out.

i second alicia patrice for yoga. she teaches at it's all yoga. her classes are beginning/mid-level with an emphasis on getting the pose right instead of jumping from one to the next frantically. she'll help you do harder stuff if you tell her you want that and will guide you in a way that won't sound religious but it also won't sound like an anatomy class.

she'll usually read a nice rumi poem at the end and that's about it for anything vaguely religious in overtone.

Dani said...

I have really enjoyed most of the classes at Bikram on X, but one has to be really committed to going regularly. I stopped for awhile and it was almost unbearable to return to that hot classroom.

They don't lay on the jargon too thick, although one instructor often refers to one position as "loosening the anus to relieve anxieties" and he once told me that my difficulty holding some poses didn't have to do with the fact that I've had repeated ankle injuries, but that "the ankles are the center of indecision."

Still, it beats a treadmill under flourescent lights.

beckler said...

hmm...that class time for alicia patrice is no good for me. i only go on weekdays.

has anyone tried zuda yet? the sweaty windows gross me out but i want to try it.

Anonymous said...

I went to zuda once. I liked it, but after the new member deal expires, it's quite expensive.

Also there was a spiritual reading by Sting read over that "fields of barley" song that made me almost lose my shit. The Sting / tantra thing kills me. As my friend Zack said, "if I have to hear one more thing about Sting and his dick, I am going to throttle somebody."

I have heard they have some good yoga at pipeworks.

gbomb

Anonymous said...

Classes at Zuda will kick your ass, but you're going to feel judged the entire time. Especially by the owner. Though ever since she got back from some convention where she picked up a Gwen Stefani mic and a lot of Beyonce to play before class it's been packed.

Anonymous said...

I bought the lavender Tom's of Maine deodorant and it smelled like salami to me. I am sorry to say that it actually lead me to eating some salami after a couple of beers one night.

Niki

beckler said...

that makes zuda sound crappy. i agree with master p., only god can judge me.

tom's of maine doesn't really work, but i don't want the regular deodorant to give me cancer.

Liv Moe said...

i say thumbs down on bikram. i went there about a year and a half ago and got this weird, assertive, touchy feely, metro sexual guy who insisted that once the class started you couldn't leave and if you did you would not be let back in.

Over and hour into the class - it ran over by almost 45min - this woman in front of me started heading for the door and he tried to block her exit saying that he couldn't let her back in because she wouldn't be able to readjust to the temperature. after two attempts to step around him telling him both times that she felt sick - to which he kept trying to assure her was the effect of the warm room and that she would adapt - she barfed all over and then started to cry a little bit and left the room.

after that there weren't many of us wanting to do the lay flat and relax part at the end.

wburg said...

You can get all the exercise you need IN THE PIT!

Anonymous said...

If you want to keep it crusty/punk, go the Y. Paige does a solid, mid-level class Tues @8pm and Thurs @7Pm. The class is usually small so there's lots of old carpet to pick from.

Jed

beckler said...

wburg-good one. i mean it.

i know, i should try some of the y classes. the place i go for pilates just raised there prices to 12 bucks a class.

Anonymous said...

wburg wrote...

> You can get all the exercise you
> need IN THE PIT!

[spit take!]

Pres,
SASSF

Jackson Griffith said...

You might try It's All Yoga over by Espresso Metro on Freeport. I know they have a yin yoga class on Fridays, where you get into the poses and hold them for a lot longer, the theory being that it works on your connective tissues (where some theorists believe the meridians used in acupuncture and acupressure can be found) in addition to your musculature. I haven't been to it, but I have a friend who swears by it. I have had a recurring and very painful bout of sciatica in my left leg for the past month, and doing yin yoga asanas have helped alleviate the pain quite a bit.

As for Bikram yoga, I used to do Bikram out of a book I'd bought, and then I did it at Yoga Loka on Folsom by where Trader Joe's is now, before they got sued by Bikram -- who had trained the McCauleys at Yoga Loka to teach the Bikram system, then decided to open his own chain of yoga studios, and demanded that all the teachers he'd trained stop teaching his system. I like the sequence, but, being a fog-loving Scotsman, I can't stand the bloody heat. At least with Yoga Loka, if you started going into meltdown, you could go chill up front until you were ready to come back. The idea of practicing under the tutelage of some yoga nazi seems quite unpalatable.

It's nice that there are so many options, though. My two New Year's resolutions were to drink more water and to establish a regular yoga practice. I've done all right with the former, but it's really hard getting started on the latter.

cia ladybug said...

hi!

i also teach a class in the pocket on mondays at 7pm.

starting feb 4, there's a 5:15-6:15 on mon/wed at sac state. it's silly cheap. $3/class or you can pay for the whole semester and save a bundle.

feel free to contact me. alice has my email....

Liv Moe said...

awesome! i'm already at Sac State anyway so i'm there!!!!!