Monday, October 08, 2012

Sammy Hagar's Rockin' Beach Bar and Mojo Dojo Cabo Wabo Wango Tango

Here is my review of SHRBBAMDCWWT, exclusive to Heckasac:

11 stars out of 5
dinner for 14: whatever amount VM put on his credit card

When you enter SHRBBAMDCWWT you are immediately visually caressed with images of the Red Rocker in flowing white pants and shirt.  He apparently sat for a photo session in this same outfit where he did such things as sit on the beach and pretend to cut, and even ride on, sugarcane stalks.

Why sugarcane?  Because Hagar is now primarily shilling Sammy's Beach Bar Rum, which raises the question: how much fucking money does this guy need?  A few years ago he sold an 80% interest in Cabo Wabo tequila to a huge conglomerate for 80 MILLION DOLLARS!! And meanwhile Davis Lee Roth is out there trying to become an EMT or martial arts instructor or whatever just to pay the bills. It ain't right.

Get ready for a shocker: all the food and drinks have a beach theme.  All of the drinks are sweet, and all the food has a sweet touch, perhaps to go with the general sugarcane theme.  Everyone just orders the nachos because why would you order anything else.  Out of the three plates of nachos I sampled, miller got screwed on his and they were the least good.  He will tell you all about it.  VM got a blue drink, I got two red drinks and two shots of cabo wabo.  It goes down as easy as a groupie on Hagar.

On the back of the menu there is a short explanation of Hagar's philosophy, including, "It's been a sweet life" (no fucking shit) and "a man is never so tall as when he kneels to help a child".  That latter statement has something to do with his vague children's charity which we were speculating might just be giving kids Cabo Wabo tshirts.

There is a downstairs bar area and then two upstairs areas with balconies.  Those are the best because you can look down on everyone, both literally and figuratively, and see the full extent of all the Roseville-based cleavage.  After an endless setup, a cover band took the stage called The Spasmodics.  They are kind of a like a poor mans Wonderbread Five, with a "nerd" theme that is cynically calculated and an offense to real nerds everywhere.

OMG I just discovered something amazing!!! This terrible cover band is just exactly copying this other, Texas-based band, down to the costumes!! WTF! It is def not them, because I looked at their calendar and they were in Austin on Saturday.  This is blowing my mind.

Anyhoo, this cover band did not cover any Van Halen songs (although they did do the Scorpions and AC/DC, again WTF), but on Thursday a band called Hot for Teacher played. 

In between the two sets, music was played, and after four drinks, of course I am going to start getting down when they play "I Keep Forgettin'"  What lady my age could resist that smoothest of jams?  A woman on the floor, who I had just witnessed smash a martini glass and then almost kneel in the broken glass spotted me up on the balcony, ran up, and started dancing with me.  Next thing you know, she is pushing her butt up to me against the balcony and slinging a leg over it to give everyone downstairs a full crotchal view.  I don't think tequila body shots were involved, but I cannot completely rule that out at this time.  Then, she gave me a hug and ran back down.  I think I can say that both of us partied fully in the spirit of SHRBBAMDCWWT in that perfect moment.

P.S.-Each table has a bottle of Michael Anthony's hot sauce, which is delicious and which traveled home in my purse.


beckler said...

Roseville declared September 15th to be Sammy Hagar day and Hagar spoke on the news about "the importance of downtown Roseville"

ninja said...

wait a minute...a nerd themed band that plays cover songs actually makes money?

I hope my new band, The Four Spazzes can get an opening spot on Spazfest 2012 starring the Spasmodics and the Spazmatics

ps. just when i thought The Big Bang Theory couldnt ruin my life any more, I learn about bands like the Spazmatics.

Anonymous said...



beckler said...

call yourself the Four Spazzes With Glazzes

Liv Moe said...

What about "the original" Spazmatics from LA? I think there's actually like 3 rip offs of that band.

One of the highlights of my evening was listening to EC imitate Sammy Hagar's book on tape debut. What a cosmic rocker!

Anonymous said...

I told you we needed pro gear, Dave.


Anonymous said...

"Michael Anthony's hot sauce."


beckler said...

it's called Mad Anthony

Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to get my head around the multiple Spazzmatics thing. Maybe it's a cover band franchise? There might be franchises operating all over America.


ninja said...

I'm still laughing at The Four Spazzes with Glazzes. that name cant go to waste

beckler said...

if so, you guys need to trademark everything about the four eyes, including davy's bass and the joel and davy foot move, cargo shorts, etc., and hurry up and start licensing it out.

ninja said...

I made the international "news" today when my chicken coop showed up on the BBCAmerica site ( ) and one the Doctor Who facebook page. if only we had written a song and made a video about it first, then we could have had 25,000 dorks attention for about 15 seconds. One of the Spazzmatics might have seen it and offered us a opening spot!
We blew it!

The park stranget said...

This was the funniest thing I have read in awhile. Bravo to you and your knowledge of classic rockery!