Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Cinco de Davo

This has been a very stressful day. My stomach is a knotted ball of stress filled with stress juice.

In honor of Archbishop Dave Smith returning to the best goddamn country in the whole world, I was planning on including some of my top Dave Smith moments. I didn't have much time to think about it, but I'll include the ones I came up with, in no particular order. Feel free to add your own.

-The time I tried to fight him after the Peep-off because he lifted up my skirt. This is the only time I have ever tried to physically hurt anyone I'm not related to. I just kind of pushed him into the fence but I don't think I really hurt him.
-First and only motorcycle ride. It was great.
-When he asked me a bunch of questions in front of my little sister about how it felt to be a lesbian now because I had started dating a girl. My little sister thought me and this lady were just friends.
-When he walked in on me while I was having sex and stood there giggling. The man (well, he was practically a boy at the time) involved in this memory said we were just laying under the covers but that's not how I remember it.
-When he got me a yearlong membership to a Jewish gunowners wacko group as a birthday present. This probably got me on some FBI watchlist.

Welcome back Dave!

So I'm off to New York. I'll probably write some drunk entries. Maybe Miller will do a guest post. That would be bitchin' Lates.


Anonymous said...

Here's one of my favorites:

Dave Smith in the dumpster in the alley of the Loft at a Little Bunnies show, asking people to please close the lid on the dumpster.


Anonymous said...

What about after that No Kill I show where he wandered off to his new apartment on N (?) and passed out, outside, in the Gorn costume? I believe it was his landlady who was hollering at him to get off her lawn. He naturally began hollering back "Take it up with Starfleet, Lady!!!" He had to move out right after that.

Anonymous said...

What about the time Tess almost choked him to death at the Ricksha?

Anonymous said...

In high school I remember how fun it was to ride with Dave in the Ranchero. The best part, besides the way he always very seriously tried to change lanes without hitting any of the reflective bumps in the road, was as we approached his family's house in Old Fair Oaks, he would drive at very high speeds to try and kill the flocks of chickens which would run across the road. I was always half hoping that he'd mow them down and half scared for them. I am not sure if he ever succeeded in killing them that way. I do know of a confirmed kill in the Smith family front yard however. There was a janky old push mower, and Dave, being the only boy was the lawn mower guy. He was mowing away, in the high weeds, when a cloud of squwaking, bloody feathers shot up.
Sleepy chicken = dead chicken.


Anonymous said...

Dave, Bill, Mar and i piling into steve's truck and heading to Idaho to buy piranha after a Gilman show. Getting there around noon and finding they dont sell them in Idaho anymore. Going to a McDonalds and getting Fry Sauce ("what the hell is fry sauce?"). Then driving over a frozen deer carcass in 4 wheel drive, which Dave was going to pee on first but he ended up pee on the side of the road about 2 minutes before we found it since we thought we passed it.

Driving over to take him to the hospital after his bonk bonk and hearing him say stuff like "I have to take a kip" instead of a "piss".

The "cute girl report". McBand. Dingo Fist 5.

Anonymous said...

What about the time I was walking to the co-op and I was being followed by a creepy guy in an old car for blocks and blocks and I just kept walking because I was trying to act like I didn't care until I finally decided to turn around and tell the mother-fucker to leave me alone and it was fuckin' Dave Smith!!!!!!!!!!!!! Until then I had prided myself on the fact that he had never gotten a rise out of me.


Anonymous said...

I am going to go with Dave's amazing campfire cooking stylings. The first time we had a formal dinner in Poinsettia, Dave hollowed out oranges and filled them with sweet potatoes mixed with marshmallow fluff. He then wrapped them up in foil and threw them in the fire. They were girly and delicious. He also wore a very short lacy prom dress with combat boots and looked, if I may say so, girly and delicious. I made something sticky with too much melted sugar and I got some on his dress, so he yelled "G jizzed on my dress, G jizzed on my dress!" all effing night. I GUESS it was funny. Anyway, it was legendary and the dress still hangs in Cabin One today, I wonder what the boy scouts think?

Anonymous said...

There was this one time in San jose, after the readymades played, when me and dave where hecka drunk and he just began to hugh me and scream in my ear. I began to punch him as hard as I could in the ribs until he lets go. We ended up crashing thru someones door in the house and breaking it. Next day at Milhouse Practice dave had big bruises on he sides and my hand hurt almost enough not to play the drums. I was in love.


Anonymous said...

I know great things about dave-o, like when he and Sarah offered to take care of and even picked up Erica's skunks and dogs for me the first time she went into the hospital. I remember the VW Thing in the driveway of the OFO house waiting to trek to the Southern States and Smith's first "wedding". I hadn't met Mar yet, but I can just imagine and am sure he still looks exactly the same. The Thing's hood was held down with bent forks and knives and had a bloody baby doll bungeed to the grill haphazardly. I said "woah! that actually works?" and Cary said "yeah, we've had that since before I was born. My mom went into preterm labor with me due to the fact it has no shocks." And then they showed me how to thwack rats against a wall for when you want to feed hungry monitor lizars. I still cannot believe they drove that thing through TexASS, beyond, and back.
I also like the Rent-a-Wreck aka "Streets of SF" story that I've hear first hand. I love all those guys. I'm so glad they're not actually dead.


Anonymous said...

Moments with Smif. I hope his damaged brain remembers the following larks:

• Shoot'n chickens and stomping eggs in his backyard in the Village of Fair Oaks. We giggled like school girls. This was also around the time we made a shooting range in his upstairs bedroom--it was funny when his dad wondered why it smelled like burnt gunpowder up there.

• Getting pulled over by three Louisiana State Patrol cars on I-10 and having the '74 VW Thing searched for guns and drugs. Fuck you, Lake Charles, LA.

• Bill and Smif built a ramp in the backyard and we jumped the VW Beetle like hollywood stuntmen. A pillow was duct taped to the steering column so as not to crack sternums upon impact with the tree at the end of the jump, of course.

• Driving call girls to their outcall "dates" in Chicago. Our cut was $20 per date. If something went wrong, we were supposed to let the Enforcer guy know so he could tuneup the cheat. Escort Service Drivers--the world's second oldest profession.

• Getting airborne on the streets of San Francisco like on The Streets of San Francisco (a Quinn Martin Production) in a rented Cadillac. Bill played the part of Karl Malden.

• Our attempt at lauching white feeder rats onto the island in the middle of the pond in Southside Park. Dang rats, that's what they get for biting me.

• The time Bill and Smif came over to my place at 605 Tee Street with a trunk full of roosters and chickens. Bill drove his dad's land yacht so there was room for a lot of fowl. The uptight neighbors got kept complaining because the roosters woke everyone up at dawn...

• Getting busted by the Yolo County Sheriff for shooting guns during the Rodney King riots. We were just preparing for the imminent Food/Race riots, that's all. Dang gummint (ZOG) is always out to put the kibosh on anyone having fun. Bill didn't get busted because he wasn't in possession of a gun. Unprepared, that man is.

• Going to the apartments where Bob Crane was bludgeoned to death. He went from a starring role in Hogan's Heroes to doing dinner theater/amateur porn in Scottdale, AZ. We were also supposed to go to Ed Gein's grave in Madison, WI during that same roadtrip but I think we were tired of the road and low on money.

• The drunken roadtrip to Vegas with Smif, Avel Rules, Bill Dongsdale and Tim White to see Captain Robbie Knievel jump cars. We got pulled over a couple times, picked up hitchhikers, stopped for beers in Mina, NV (among other mining towns in the desert) and missed the event by the time we blew into town.

Yep, thems was fun times...

Anonymous said...

> Dave, Bill, Mar and i piling into steve's truck and heading to
> Idaho to buy piranha after a Gilman show. Getting there
> around noon and finding they dont sell them in Idaho
> anymore.

I'm glad you brought all that beef jerky. Beef jerky and roadtrips are a good combo...

Anonymous said...

Another moment in history with Smif and Bill Dongsdale...

• Cutting off parking meters on Geary Avenue near the police station. Bill found a pipecutter in the Presidio and we wanted to see how long it would take to Newmanize a parking meter (refer to the opening scene in Cool Hand Luke). It takes less than two minutes. I think Avel took the unopened parking meters with him when he moved to Seattle...

Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm not dead yet!

You weren't under the covers when I opened your door (I think you had a phone call or something). The boy was uh... checking for shrapnel Down There and you kids pulled the covers over you screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT!" So I just stood there saying dumb stuff like, "How's your day going" or some such.

Anonymous said...

My fave was Dave hitting the too-low-easily-damaged ceiling at Old I with his bass while (famously) chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" and promptly getting thrown out (and Evan throwing his amp), but especially the fact that when I told him about it later he had no memory of doing it. This of course was immediately before the landlady incident. Ah, that's entertainment.