Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Letters to things unlikely to respond

Dear Pathetic Abandoned Cat-

I feel pity for you. I do. With your greasy matted fur, your skittishness that makes you unlovable, and your small, plaintive wail, you are a pathetic sight. I'm sorry your previous owner (we'll call her Little Heckasac) abandoned you and that other pushy, obese cat. I'm sorry she painted my room pink, too, but you don't hear me crying about it all day long. In fact, I have grown to like it and am trying to flow with the pink vibe. I may even buy a Hockney print to go with my tropical plant and try to have the ultimate California room. You should take a cue from my flexibility and try to build a new cat life, where you make new cat friends and, hopefully, find a new owner, one who will pet you and won't leave you behind when they move. That said, if you knock over another one of my plants I will fucking kill you. You're lucky I didn't kill you when you broke my three-piece ceramic weiner dog planter. At least the planter wasn't alive, though. When you kill one of my plants by breaking it or pushing it off the porch, I feel real sadness. More sadness than I feel for your misfortune. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Coldly,

Heckasac

Dear Cafe Bernardo-

I noticed you have raised your prices. Again. Congratulations. You are now a total fucking rip-off. Why should I pay as much for an entree in your cafe as I would if I simply crossed the street to Biba? You have to admit that's ridiculous. And now that you've eliminated your spinach salad, there's no reason to go to you anyway. Why do you always get rid of your best menu items? Then you force me to be that asshole standing in front of the menu board who says to the counter girl, "oh, your spinach salad is gone" and she is forced to pretend that she cares. I probably won't be seeing you for awhile. Let me know if you bring that spinach salad back.

With regret,

Heckasac

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ugh! People who abandon animals should not ever be allowed to own pets ever again. Little Heckasac, SHAME ON YOU!!!!! She should have had the courage to take her cats to the pound or the animal shelter herself. People like her are cowards. They can imagine that their cat was adopted by some kindly old lady that was just dying for the perfect companion. Growing up in the country and having to deal with people dumping off whole litters of cats or dogs near your house will make you very sensitive to this issue. Most of them either starved to death, got flattened on the highway, or eaten by something.
-Wrath of Conway

Maya said...

Poor kitty. You want me to take her to the shelter? I have a carrier I could get her into. I hate when people do shit like that. If you feed her until the semester is over, I promise to come get her and take her somewhere so she can get a new owner.

beckler said...

My kind roomate is good enough to feed these cats, and we occassionally pet them. So they aren't suffering from hunger or anything, they are just not treasured house pets. But thanks for the offer.

Anonymous said...

People who paint bedrooms and living rooms pink, especially metallic pink, should never be allowed to live inside a walled dwelling ever again. Living in a metallic pink living room myself I am very sensitive to this issue. She should have had the courage to paint over it herself. She probably just imagined that the next occupant would love that color. It really just disgusts me.

Wrath of Con

Anonymous said...

Man, if I knew that abandoning my cat was an option, I wouldn't have been scoopin' litter for the last 15 years. I may be kidding.

In other news, don't forget that Cinqo de Mayo is Dave Smith day. The man will be back in town, time to put on your cup and face mask.

g-bomb

P.S. I really wish I could've come up with a better pun. Dave-o de Mayo? Not good, not good at all.

Ally said...

Bernardos does still make the best breakfast burrito in town.

DB said...

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo to this entire post!!! Anyone who tries to take my girls to the animal shelter will get their hand bitten off!! They are not house pets, but I treasure them all the same...I pick up and pet Scruffy every morning before giving her breakfast. Sorry about the planters, but how do we know that was even the cats? Personally, I blame hobos.

Anonymous said...

My apologies DB, I didn't know Little Heckasac had given you the kitties. That is responsible and I hereby allow her to own other cats. I still don't condone painting rooms pink, especially metallic pink.

-Con

Anonymous said...

I can't even picture metallic pink...

-m

beckler said...

DB, you always want to blame everything on hobos. But the hobo that lives under the couch told me that Raja did it. Sorry to slander your cats.

p.s.-thanks for loaning me star 80 but it gave me a horrible nightmare and then i couldn't sleep because i became convinced that my room was being haunted by the ghost of dorothy stratten. oh well, if i have to have a ghost in my room i would rather it be a sexy one.

Anonymous said...

Is it like this?

http://www.mielnyc.com/images/lg/tote_metallic_pink_lg.jpg

Anonymous said...

Did the ghost of Stratten look like this?
http://www.dorothystratten.com/Roller18.html

Hey DB, can I borrow this movie, it looks good?

Margs

DB said...

I got "Star 80" off Netflix. You're welcome to borrow anything you want from the Dan Barnes Video Library, however. And the cat's name isn't Raja anymore, it's Scruffy. Just like Raider is now Fatso. Sorry about the vehemence of my last post, but I was just afraid that if I came to work a half hour later, I would be coming home to an ovenful of cat pie. Additionally, I pick up the morning paper the day after the Kings worst playoff performance in a decade to see that my most hated King since Olden Polynice, Pillowsoft Peja, is considered by the brass to be the foundation of the team for years to come. How can you be a foundation if you don't even have a backbone?

Anonymous said...

Thanks DB, I'll go ahead and put Star 80 on my queue. So Scruffy and Fatso. I like these names much better. I think Scruffy is pretty cute, but I can't pet her cause she is way too dirty. I think the last bath she may have had was in a dirty puddle. I personally call Raider, excuse me, Fatso, Butterball. Can that be her middle name? As for Peja, didn't you see the way he made it to foul line twice in the 4th? Now, that was tough. Maybe all the kings should do some kind of gang initiation type thing on him to toughen him up. Like have him run through a tunnel of blows or something.

Margs

Maya said...

*slow*

If I had known who Little Heckasac was, I would have been shocked to learn she'd abandoned them. Now that I get it, I am glad you are taking care of the kitties, DB.

DB said...

I'm just a little old lady at heart.

Anonymous said...

Margs- I don't understand your suggested regiment for Peja. How are subsequent blowjobs going to toughen up anyone? I once ran through a tunnel of blowjobs and I still freak out on Vince every time he leaves the front door unlocked past 5:30 pm. -Bonus Offer

Anonymous said...

Yes, that pink handbag is exactly what metallic pink looks like. Imagine having to watch TV in a room covered in metallic pink. It's a nightmare and it totally clashes with my yellow couch.
DB, I agree about Peja. I only hope we suck the best years out of him so he can't go become an Allstar on the Chicago Bulls or some other team. Isn't Bibby the real backbone?

Cowad

scruffy said...

meoooow,rrrrrrrrrr,meeeeow?

Anonymous said...

Well Bonus Offer, not everyone is able to blow off a tunnel of blows as easily as you. Margs