Old ass chimp

sam
Originally uploaded by becklerg.

Damn, Sam the chimp at the Sac zoo is 56 years old! This story broke my heart. He's been in captivity since he was three! In addition to noting that he rises at dawn from his bed of burlap sacks, the Bee stands on some shaky scientific ground and states that, "Like people, they have large brains, which means they can be very intelligent. They have thumbs, can see color and live within complex social structures. Scientists have shown chimps to be capable of thought, abstraction and even emotions, including happiness, fear and despair." Well, kinda. A big brain doesn't necessarily equal intelligence, and happiness, fear, and despair are words that humans created to describe human emotional states, but anyway, that's one old-ass chimp.

R.I.P. Mac Dre. V-town rapper Mac Dre was slain in a drive-by in Kansas City. I know Michael got to meet him once for some reason, I'll have to find out what the story is. In other rap-related news, the Biz told me that R. Kelly is now out of the "Unfinished Business" tour, so I'm pretty sure I won't be going unless Jay-Z drops the prices.

Well, I believed the hype (just like when I bought all those beanie babies) and I went to vote at 7:00 am fearing long lines. There was absolutely no line. There were some adorable old people, though. The best part was when the septugenarian called over the octegenarian to help her try to use the electronic vote-counting machine. Guess what? It was already broken. I was assured that someone would be by to fix it later. I have purchased a bottle of cava (Spanish sparkling wine) to open tonight when it is announced that Kerry has won. I have also implanted a small cyanide capsule in one of my molars so if Bush wins, I can simply bite down and end it all. Just kiddin'!

So the Kings cut Bluthenthal. I'm bummed. I was gonna get a Bluthenthal jersey. Now the Maloofs will have to scrape by without my 75 bucks. In other Kings news, I guess the Kings took out a weird full-page ad in the Bee today (I couldn't view it online) assuring everyone that they really love each other alot and stuff. Methinks they doth....you know the rest of the cliche.

Graswich said in his column yesterday that people are complaining about the silver horse in front of the new Safeway. To those people I say: sure it's kinda tacky, but imagine how cool it will look to teens frying on acid. I stared at it for like thirty seconds while I was sober and I could have sworn the creepy glass eye was moving. Viva la silver horse! Viva Sam the chimp!