A play in one act
I am late. I walk in, closely followed by an Amazonian (and I am no slouch in this department either, so you know she is LARGE-mostly tall) woman on a cell phone (the cell phone talking establishes that she is rude). OK, so if you know Peet's, you know that although there may be multiple registers open, there is only one line and people go to whichever reg opens. This is called setting the scene, folks. Rather than getting behind me, the Amazon stands next to me, which is a breach of line etiquette and immediately makes me nervous.
Amazon: Which line are you in? (still on phone also)
Heckasac: Both lines.
Amazon: (mutters sarcastically) Both lines.
(I stand patiently, both registers still have customers.)
Amazon: So you are in one of these lines, or...
Heckasac: (getting flustered) No, you wait for a register to open up, and then when one does.. (at this point a register opens)
Amazon: (meanly, gesturing, interrupting) Well, there you go
Heckasac: (now I am being rude back and sarcastic) Well, thanks, what are you...(get ready for this zinger, people) the LINE DIRECTOR??!!?
(Peet's erupts into applause)
Seriously, that was the best line I could come up with. Is there even such a thing as a line director? I should have said line Nazi but Nazi is a pretty loaded word. It could have ended in fisticuffs and she would have pounded me. What is up with Peet's lately though, all the workers are stressed to the max and it's a different crew every time. The woman that I've heard people call "waterfall" is wound up tighter than a drum. She is always freaking out. Today she gave me a free coffee card because I had to wait so long, but I wasn't even waiting that long. It's fine. It's just coffee. Jeffrey Steingarten says that the perfect espresso shot should take 25 seconds to brew so I don't expect it instantly.
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10 comments:
Google Talk is up, running, more open and as clear as Skype...
As you can see, the Windows client is pretty basic, but functional. It is necessary to have a gmail account to sign up for the service - " by invitation it sounds like.
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Good zinger. You should check out my site all about great zingers.
No, seriously. This story makes me think of the time I was at Jamba Juice on Alhambra and a similar thing happened, only the Amazonian was a thin, tall woman wearing a floor-length black leather coat, with short black hair and dark wrap-around shades. She cut in front of everyone and no one said anything. I had a good zinger lined up, but was too wimpy to say it. "Hey Matrix, get in line." Plus, if it came to blows, she could have kicked my ass in a sweet fight sequence.
Niki
Morning is always the worst time to have a sweet zinger at the ready.
Actually if you have my quick wit your best zingers happen about 12 minutes after the situation ends.
I think you did great, good Job.
You get a gold star for burns today.
Or you could have just said: "There is only one line...get in back buddy!" and then push the person in the chest, like my dad did once when I was a kid at the airport when some guy tried to cut in front of us because he was "running late". Pop is a regular Larry David, king of all uncomfortable situations.
For a morning zinger you cant miss if you just use the word "boner" somewhere in the zinger. "what are you the line boner?"
-Boner from Growing Pains
ps. this is not Charles eventhough the joke fell as flat as if it were one of his.
the jerk store called...and they're running out YOU!
Yeah, I might reserve "line nazi" for the possible instance of having Karl Eberhard Schongarth chattering loudly into his cell and bumping into you.
Since "line director" sounds suspiciously like something from busy movie set (a la line producer), you could've punctuated the sassy zinger, after arching the left eyebrow and letting loose a jab of the right ring finger, with "Because I didn't see you on the call sheet."
"line boner" is funny, and only douche bags diss people without putting their real name. But thats ok. I guess that your Dave Ninja.
Charles
Its supposed to be "you're" instead of "your", charles.
Hows that for a zinger, spelling corrected by ME? Unfortunately charles is the only one who mis-types as much as me.
-sta-bone(r)
I have also heard you where the dude who was me before you. except i don't think you where ever as bad as me and you have gotten pretty damn good.
Charles "The younger version of Davy" Charles
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