OK, fine!

Ahhhh! I can't stand it anymore! December 23rd hits & suddenly the internet's like "I'm on vacation - see you next year". That is not working out for me! I tried to make work in to an experiment & the results were: "actually working for the whole 8 hours blows". Just as I suspected. So now I'm forced to try & drum up some action myself. Becky's on vacation so I'm not even getting any emails (except for the relentless democratic party ones - they're on a roll right now! I swear John Kerry's emailed me 5 times today). Maybe a game is in order. Here are the rules: everyone with a fucking blog, website, whatever please post something and make it long and funny & include pictures!! This is where the Sac Rag chimes in & is all "here's a link to Sac Rag - we've been posting all day!". Look, I'm not looking for a link to the Bee website or some story about how the mall was crazy last week, OK?!. (that right there is called "drumming up some action" because you know Cool DMZ can't let that go unanswered). And how about Sacramento's most prolific blogger Mr. Daniel Barnesyard? WTF?! Where art thou, bra? I know you've been watching movies cuz I can smell it in the next room. Olsen's (or is it Olson?)posting but he's just enduring some guy in Malaysia who's flirting with him. Trust me Olsen, that long distance shit never works out.
OK, what happened this weekend? The annual Christmas party ruled as always. Everyone came to dance & the DJing was great - my personal favorite being Old School Levy whom I had to convince to stay because he didn't want to wait anymore for the DJ before him to finish - but you know how it is. DJs are in permanent "I just have one more song" mode & you gotta stand there and, like, tap your watch or start harassing them with Beatles requests until they get the clue. But yeah, he went on & ruled it & once again I was convinced that my true calling in life is "party director". And DJ Red Red Wine got a real set this time unlike last year when he got stuck with the 4:00 AM - 5:00 AM set where his audience was me cleaning up & someone passed out on the couch. Christmas eve I was hung over & had to finish Christmas shopping & then go to my extended family Christmas thing. I tried to get a nap in but this guy who lives next door in the Tweaker Arms recently got a leaf blower & let me tell you, he loves it! Becks can back me up on this - he wandered around with that thing on for 2 solid hours. No wait, of course he turned it off twice just long enough for me to be all "FINALLY!" only to turn it back on. This guy doesn't even know he has a comedy career but I swear, the more you watch this guy "blow" leaves, the funnier it gets (unless you're me in which case it drives you in to a rage & you fantasize about how you're gonna kidnap that thing if only they would EVER go to sleep over there). He blows a little spot & then stops & thinks about it & then turns around & blows a different spot & then he inexplicably goes in to the street & starts blowing there & his coup de grace is blowing some leaves back on to the original spot he cleared. I'm not joking when I say this is an amount of leaves that could be raked in about 10 minutes. 2 HOURS!! I have to fight the urge to be all "here, let me show you how to use that". I realize he'll never beat the Head's neighbor who was raking his roof but it's still pretty amazing. So yeah, no hangover nap but I always like seeing my family who I only get to see once a year. The kids are finally at an age where I can talk to them. I was a gift from God (aka an accident) so everyone in my family is at least 7 years older or younger than me (mostly a lot more than that) so right about now I get either retirement conversations or tales from high school which I prefer. I know about a sweet New Years party if you're interested. My aunt lives on 4 acres so I went on a walk & I suddenly smelled weed really strong. My cousins are finally upholding a tradition that's been dormant since my sister was young! Personally, I would hate to be stoned around my family but that's the glory of the pre-self-conscious years. And it ruled watching my cousins look through this epic Christmas Eve family reunion book that my uncle put together that has pictures from every family Christmas get together from 1961 to present. There'll be some picture of their mom in 1994 & they start howling & going "DAMN, mom looks HELLA old school!" and then, as it gets in to the 80's, they start going "this is back in the DAY!". By the time it gets to the 70's all they can do is marvel at how crappy the TV's look. I swear, there were 3 pictures that had a TV in the background & they would see it & say "I would die if I had that!". Whatever kids, Atari ruled. And then it was the big day. I went to my mom's with Becky - which consisted of my mom, me, Becks, my mom's boyfriend, his sister, her husband & their son. Everyone but me & my mom was jewish so the mystical convergence of chanukah & christmas had spirits higher than usual. Jewish people are mad for talking about all things jewish so there was a lot of that going on. Some football player would come on the screen to the announcement "he's jewish you know" and my mom's boyfriend's sister's husband (that's the last time I'm writing that - his name's Dick OK) brough this CD called "Chanukah Rocks!" that was by some group of dudes that are in other bands & this is their side project. It sounded like The Rentals or something & all the songs were about like, the dilemma of whether you should put sour cream or applesauce on your latkas. There was so much jewish talk that when Dick asked for a towel, my mom said "what's a tovel?" thinking he'd just asked for some special chanukah thing. Speaking of latkas (which are like potato pancakes), the big plan was to make them. Ronnie (my mom's boyfriend's sister - fuck, get married already mom!) had somehow never made them before & she wanted her & my mom to make them together. They kept talking about it. Finally it was time & Becky offered to help - but within about 2 minutes, my mom & Ronnie had stopped helping & just drank wine & watched Becky. I felt bad for her but she was making me look so good I was psyched! My mom's boyriend's family clearly loves her. She busted out though & they were great & applesauce is the answer to the Chanukah Rocks question. Anyway, it was really fun & pretty relaxing as far as my Christmases usually go. I'm glad it's over though. Christmas is too much pressure! OK, I've done my part (I think) - now someone please entertain me!!

miller